In rare form.

I speak words of wisdom and on occasion someone will listen. People tend to be shocked by some of the things I think. Most people don't believe I have the mind I have and I sort of like it that way. I never have to prove my wits if I allow people to believe I am a simple halfwit. My mind feels old at times. I think things many would never even begin to conjure. It is a weight that I usualy don't mind carrying but every now and again it starts to hurt. I truly believe ignorance is bliss, wish I was a bit more ignorant at times. Many would tell you that I am but truth is I know more about alot of people then they know about themselves I just choose not to tell them. I also know alot about people that noone is supposed to know and they are not aware that I have this knowledge. It is a fine feeling to know that people think so little of me. Now that may sound odd but I would prefer to stun or shock then dissapoint. Okay well anyways I have other things to talk about but I do not wish to write a whole other blog so a few taps on the enter key and then I will proceed. :)





I MISS YOU!
There are people in my life right now who I miss dearly even tho they are here. I have not been myself for sometime. Atleast not they myself many of these people know. I have been....well I dont even have a word for it but I'm sorry guys I promise this will not last forever. I have just been in an odd state of confusion with my own life lately. Been stuck in my head for months and that always kills me.
To a certian guy I have had on my mind lately....love you being around, hate you being around, scared about you being around, excited about you being around. So many thoughts I am dying to let you know but alas I never will as I plan to be gone in a matter of time. Just know that you are simply amazing in the way you make me feel just by being you. Thanks for being my friend it is one of the best feelings I have ever had in my life to know that you are simply my friend and you are in my life no matter what happens. To the bestfriend on the planet....YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!! You do nothing and it makes me happy. You do little things and it makes me happy. You do everything and it makes me happy. You do bad things and still it makes me happy. I don't even remember what life was like before you. You are truly the one person not related to me that I love unconditionaly and will continue to do that for the rest of my life. To a certian girl I have recently removed from my life....It's hard to understand how I can push you out and still love you but I do. If by some random chance of fate you see this please know that no matter what if you really need me for something I will be here I just find it eaiser to live daily without you. This sounds stupid as hell yes but it is probably one of the truest things I have ever said in my life. If I take you out of my daily equation it is eaiser to miss you and eaiser to deal with the fact that you trust someone like that over me. I say this because I know how she is. She always says the right things but by now Im pretty damn sure its all fake. Besides she isnt gonna get anywhere in life as long as she holds on to "it" and allows "it" to ruin perfectly good friendships and relationships in her life. When I think about it tho I guess you two will work well as friends you know what they say...it takes one to know one weeeelllll obsessive meet obsessive. Bestfriendage is a must cause your the only ones who think it's okay to be the way you two are. Logical people let shit like that go and move on to bigger and better...think about it ladies.

I'm sorry but I can't change it

Katie,

This is the first time we have ever hit a rough spot in our friendship. Man it took us awhile didnt it? I have never told you my feelings about much of anything because I am always afraid of hurting you. You are just really sensitive and I have never been good at sparing feelings when talking about mine.

SO listen to me right now NONE of this is ment to hurt you or make you upset tho some of it may and for that I am sorry. Just know that I love you and I always will even if one day you decide to hate me I will still love you and consider you a friend.

Ok so here it goes.

You are soooooo ugh there is not even a word for it at times. You just posess this quality that now more then ever makes me wonder how we were ever friends. I don't judge or hate you for it, it simply makes me a little crazy. I think it bugs me most now because of him.

As for that whole situation MY GOSH!!!! So many thoughts come to mind right now. Mostly I am sorry. I really wish you would have just talked to me about it when I more or less begged you to. It really hurt my feelings that you talked to someone else instead of me. YES I may have gotten mad or got my feelings hurt but you are my friend and being mad at you or having you hurt my feelings would never change that. I honestly think it would be a sort of progress for us because we have never had a struggle in our friendship. It has always been a bit to perfect. My next thought on this is WHY KATIE??? If it was such a big deal why did u ever "trade" in the first place? Why did you ever pretend you didnt care? I care more about your feelings then anything in this situation I think you know that and he does to I made that very clear to him the first time he even made a comment about liking me. I wasnt even going to hang out with him out of love and respect for you. Then you put on this major front about how it didnt matter and I can only take you on your word girl...I'm not inside that crazy head of yours how was I to know? My next thoughts are as follows. I can not change anything that has happened but I can always stop what will just remember that. I have NOT had sex with him but we have spent a decent amount of time together and we do mesh really well. He keeps a smile on my face and I feel so comfortable with him. IDK why it is what it is I suppose. I can't lie and say I dont like him because damn it Katie I do but you are more important then that. I want you to know that I will NOT stop hanging out with him but I will also NOT do anything more then hang out with him knowing what I know now. It will not be easy because I am so comfortable with him but like I said you mean soooooo much more. Next thoughts. HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!! The way that happened and what you said to him and to me(yes I know what you said to him) was kind of uncalled for and sort of childish. I understand it's hard to watch what was happening but you went about expressing it in all the wrong ways girl. It came off obsessive and contorlling and just plain rude. I hate to say it but someone had to. Next, I felt very hurt and kinda fucked in this situation because I felt like I laid it all out on the table for you and thought of your feelings before mine and I don't feel like you did the same for me. Granted it wasn't exactly the same situation with that boy but it's about principal. I think you know what I mean.

FUCK THIS!! I don't want to discuss this situation any further. Babygirl you are leaving me in a matter of weeks and I am going to miss you dearly. You have NO IDEA how much you mean to me. I would risk my life for you if I knew it would make you day better or your sun brighter. I love you with all my heart imperfections and all. Everything we have ever done together has chaged me in ways you will never know. You have brought alot of joy into my life when I needed it and wasn't aware. Check that off your list of things to do before you die. You HAVE changed my life and in many ways.
-You have showed me that being the silly me that I am is okay because the people who love you don't care
-You have taught me that putting your heart on the line for a boy may get it broken but it is worth it
-You have proven to me that it is possible to find more then one person in this world who is truly your friend and will always be there when you need them
-You have been a part of making me who I am today
Noone and nothing can do what you have done and take away what you have given me. You may be flawed and a wee bit annoying at times and you may have your crazy girl moments but hunny there is noone like you and I would never change or trade you for anything. I want you to remember that you are a wonderful person and you deserve noting but the best in life. Don't let people get you down or tell you to be somethign your not because you are amazing just the way you are. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You have such a big heart that sometimes I wonder how you fit it inside your chest. The I think to my self it's okay her boobies hold it in LOL =)
Katie you are fantastic and I can't imagine my life without you in it.

I hope you realize what I big part of my life will br gone when you go to Vages.
Don't loose touch with me please.

I Love You Katlyn Ashley Pharis.

Just a little bit of some things that never seem to matter.

Lost in my I-pod for days now. Sadly it keeps me locked in my head and I have never done well when left there alone. I don't feel depressed or anything lately I just feel...I don't know sort of like I don't feel. I wonder if I am to far into somethings to turn back. I wanna be somewhere else just for a little bit. I keep expecting grater things only to find worse ones. However this is not hurting me just simply adding to the reasons I don't feel.

I think I am not so much annoyed by the routineness of life but of the dissapointment in life. I seem to get the things I only think I want and not the things I truly want.

I feel like noone understands that the reason I do little things for them is not only to put a smile on their face but kind of like a hoping they will do them for me. I miss the days when my friends would just leave me little notes for the hell of it or someone sent me a goodmorning text just because they were awake and knew I wasn't yet. I dislike the fact that I have to beg for my friends to tell me whats wrong only for them to lie about it when they are fully aware I know the truth.

I was stunned the other day when an hour long shower made my week worth while. It made me feel a little sad when i thought about it later. Who am I right now? I am missing people I have never met and wishing people I love would just go away for a while. I am restless to say the least.

I don't even think this shit is making sense right about now as I am jumping from one thing to another but I am just typing thoughts cause I feel like blogging. I think I want a new piercing in my face but I can't decide which one and I'm broke. I would much rather have a new piece of ink but I'm def to broke for that.

I WANT TO GO!!!!!

I don't know where I want to go I just know I want to. I feel bored all the time.

Ugh fuck this I don't feel like blogging anymore.

I can't explain this.

Somedays I am dust in the wind,
and others I am the wind carrying dust.

I feel no motivation for my motives have been crushed.

I lie in waiting,
but for what I do not know.

I am sleepless in a world which sadly does not go.

I see,
and I think sometimes I feel.

The yearning for silence is often all to real.

I am not worthy of such greatness,
but it's okay as I am not great.



Contemplate!
© Amanda R. Wishard

Spic and Span!!!

I suggest buying this for all your cleaning needs!!!

Best product I have EVER used, plus its antibacterial :)

Don't believe me spray it on some caked on grease and see how awesome it is

Dear Mommy,

You know I have always had a way with the written word and I just feel like I'm at a point where I need to do this for you. So let me get right to it.

I know I have my ups and downs and I know I annoy you at times and I am very sorry. I am hard to handle on occassion and sadly I don't know why, sometimes I just feel very lost or angry for no reason at all. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't take it out on you but I guess I just know that no matter what I say or do you are going to love me so it makes it easy for me to be that way with/towards you. That is awful I'm aware. Now I know I have said this a thousand times but when I am in that sort of mood it is best just to not talk to me because I get over it quicker. You tell me that I am always that way but I really don't think I am. Plus when I am that way you try to force your way in and find out what is going on and that only makes it worse. I know you are just being my mom and you care and/or are worried but the harder you try the more angry or annoyed I get and the more I will pull away and be silent.

I think I have issues mom. I think I need to go to a counsler. I can't afford to do it but I have been looking for free or cheap ones online. I don't want to keep being this way and feeling like this and not atleast knowing why(besides my age). I also know that no matter what I do you support me and for that mom I love you. I just have feelings for no reason sometimes and it scares me a little bit so I am going to keep doing some research and see if I can't find something that will work for me that is not going to break all the plans money wise.

I'm sorry I don't sleep when you want me to. I know you think it is the internet and to some extent it is but the hours I'm keeping at work don't help and I think I have some insomnia. There have been nights when I have been so tired it hurts so I turn this stupid thing off and just try to sleep but I can't. I think it goes back to the resons I want to talk to a counsler. I just have alot of things I want to get out. I know I can always talk to you and when I do you always make me feel better, but sometimes I just want an objective opinion. People close to me could never do what a professional could.

Mom, you are the only constant in my life with the exception of Byson. Now wait a second. I know I have 2 other dogs but Byson is my man and he has such a big piece of my heart I'm not sure anyone will ever get a bigger piece. He has always been by my side from the first day you brought him home. Even after I was gone for a few months the second I came back for him it was like I never left. Anywho thats not the point. You have always been there for me. I have delt with some shit in my life and you were always the one to throw on some boots and tred the crap pile with me. For that I have to say thank you. NOONE has ever done for me and stuck by me through some of my shit the way you have. You truly have my back and have helped me become who I am today.

You understand me in a way I fear noone else EVER will. You see the good in my bad and the beautiful in my ugly. My flaws are not flaws to you, atleast not the flaws other people see. You don't judge me no matrter what I say to you. Yes you make your mom type comments to some of the ridiculas things I have said and done but you never hold them against me. Now I know you are thinking well thats what moms do, but not all moms are like that. I have seen many people with their moms and watched how they interact and handel life together and seprate and they are not all the way you are. You are what a mom should be.

I know you have hard times in your life and sometimes you feel bad or guilty about the way our childhood was but don't be. We all reminise(sp?) and miss the old days so you must have done something right. If it had been that awful we would be happy to deal with our struggles now rather then occasinaly wish for the days we can't have back. I don't think anways. If it were not for the things we "missed" in our childhood I don't think I would have such a love for the little things in life. I would not be so sentimental, I would not hold love of those close to me above everything else, I would not cherish the excitetment on my dogs' faces when they see me, I would not hold onto birthday cards for as long as I do, I would not be happy to just be around people I enjoy.

Now we both know good and well I'm not completely content witth life but I am happy I have life and I love the things I do have and the possibilities that await me. I am strong because of you, I am weak because of you, I have a big heart because of you, I am a bitch because of you, I am real because of you, I fake my happiness at times because of you, I am independent because of you, I need people because of you, I smile because of you, I cry because of you. Simply put I am ME because of you and damn it mom I love every minute of me!!

I am starting to be a different me because of life but you have helped create a good foundation. I may not always agree with the things you say or do and I may not seem liek I appricate eveything but deep down I really do for without you I would be nothing. Well I would at the very least be someone different and I would not switch places with anyone for even a second.

I'm sorry, Thank you, You are welcome, and I LOVE YOU!!!

And when I am being a pain and you just want to slap my mouth off my face and knock my head off my shoulders just remeber who else in this world would get you a cheese burger without pickles without having to be told. :)

DEAR WORLD,
I LOVE MY MOMMY!!

Gyro Bowl???

So as usual I'm up til all hours of the night but tonite I saw an informecial for something that was actualy kind of neat. It's called a Gyro Bowl. It is made for kids snacks but it can be used for anything you don't want to spill. Cereal, pudding, icecream. You can also use it for more household type things like tacks, nails and screws, change. Pretty much anything you have a small collection of that you dont want to spill. It is built like a globe so the center of it stays up and open but shit doesnt spill. So i really want this thing(I have no idea what I would do with it) and I want to get one for every lovely mommy/daddy I know. Any ways check out the video and see what I mean.


You can buy it here

Anywho it's really neat and I just wanted to share it with everyone :)

Just a random wonder.....maybe even real thought

Let me start by making this note*I am not the type of person who cuddles all night it just makes me a bit to crazy and I can never fall alseep if they never let go*

OK NOW!

Back...well back before life was the way it is now I had a friend who I was fairly close with. We hung out very often we talked until about pretty much everything we smoked together we drove 30 mins or more to see each other we went to parties together alot we did alot of thing for each other. Idk we were good friends. We could talk about nothing for hours. It was always fun. I never thought of him in anyway other then my friend tho. We never had sex we never kissed nothing like that hell we didnt even hug often. Just wasnt our thing I suppose. So anyways one night we were hanging out and drinking doing like we always do and we both slept together in the same bed cuddling and all.

You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night for just long enough to really kind of realize where you are and then you end up back asleep as quickly as you woke up? Well that happened to me a few times that night and to my suprise everytime it happened we were still cuddling. This gave me a sense of comfort which when kind of suprised me. I never once had the urge to push him away.

It has been a few months shy of a year since then and in all of that time I never put any thought into it. Still never saw him as any more then a friend or had any urge to make him be more then one.

In the years time that has passed tho we sort of drifted apart what with new relationships and moving and new jobs and all that yadda yadda. We still talk on occasion but not anything like we used to.

Today for some reason tho I thought back to this night. Only god knows why I'm sure and I have been thinking about it nearly all day now. With all the things that were done in our friendship and some of our conversations and confessions I guess you could call them all a part of my thoughts today I began to wonder something a bit strange. Something I have never really wondered about another person in this way. Even more so something I have never wondered about myself in this way.

Did we miss something? Rather did I give something up that I should not have? I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bugging me about it so much and then just a moment ago it hit me! Were we perfect for each other? Were we supposed to be more then friends? The cuddling all night happily was a first for me....and it still hasn't happened since. I just don't understand it...didn't then and don't now.

Him and I always did click on a level I don't think I have had with anyone else. I really could tell him anything things I didn't even tell my bestfriend. I'm pretty sure he tols me things he didn't really tell many other people wither. All the memories are now comming together in my head and I am shocked at the things I didn't see.

I have to wonder if he saw them or felt them. Sometimes when we talk now I still think he thinks about it to...idk why there is just something about the way he talks to me I can't explain it it just is the way it is I suppose.

Well anywho I had somemore I wanted to write however I really want to go and watch Pocahontas so I'm just gonna leave it at this.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Oh wait one more thing ppl let's not try and guess who this is because chances are the person you think it is aint who it actually is I know who it sounds like to most of you reading this but you are wrong.

Just bare with me as I vent for a bit

I find myself down and troubled and confused and even the happy moments seem a bit bleak or heavy for me. The object of life is to please yourself right? or maybe to please others or the universe. No matter how you see it in reality you have to do a bit of pleaseing to anyone and everyone to fulfill life greatest moments. Atleast this is what seems to be true.

I know I'm young but for some reason I seem to know alot and I HATE IT!! It makes me do alot of "thinking" I personaly like to call it wondering because alot of it never leads to anything and I feel like thinking should get you somewhere. I just seem to have alot of what ifs and how comes. I never have answers and even worse I never seem to have reasons as to why I ask such questions.

My life thus far has been fairly uneventful and that seems to drive me crazy and yet I never know how to change that. I don't have any real talent for much except cooking and I can never make a decision to save my life. I am somewhat of a disaster and that is a bit scary.

I am tired of holding on to things so long it hurts, I am scared of the fact that stupid things make me cry but real things don't even seem to make me feel. How did I get so mixed up? Why can't I apologize when I was wrong or hurtful? I wish very often that I could. I know I know only I can chage that but I can never bring my self to be the way I guess I should be or I feel like I should be.

I HIDE:
feelings
thoughts
apologies
pain
my heart
my greater ideas

WHY DAMN IT?? WHY??

I think I need a therapist!
Could I? Should I? Do I?

I am depressed alot more lately then normal. Not like so seriously that I hide myself away and I call off work and I don't speak to anyone. Just simply enough to make me feel bad inside and avoid going to hang out with people or talk to them on the phone and to lie about my feelings. The other day my bestfriend called me and was really hurting and just needed someone to talk to about her problems but my phone was breaking up so I said I would call her later or the next day.....I NEVER DID! I feel like a horrible friend and it wasn't for any reason other then I feel it's wrong to talk about your problems when someone is venting but I can't not tell her things when I don't feel right.

UGH!!
Can't wait to make my big changes!
I'm ready! SOOOO READY!

-END

The most controversial blog I will ever write

WARNING!!!!!!
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback

NOW!

There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.

Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!

I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?

I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?

Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.

Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.

Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?

If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.

Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.

White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!

Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful

All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.

Think about this for a minute:

By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.

With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?

OK so......

As you can see I decided not to do the shampoo blogs so girls just go out and buy Dove Intensive Repair. It works great!!! I promise! Anywho onto some updates.

The 30th was my birthday and I want to say thank you to everyone who was there yall made it fantastic Mom,April,Jena,Jesse,Arthur,Suzie,Kevin,Mike,TJ etc. etc. I spent almost that entire week fucked up :)

This year I got one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for. His name is Scout and his is a 7yo Aussie. He is one of the most amazing dogs I have ever met. He sometimes likes to think he is the boss but so far I am doing a good job of teaching him otherwise. I gave him a bath the other day and boy did he hate that. However I feel like it gave us some good together time to show him I am the boss and also that baths can be a good thing. His old mom Sandy informed me that he loves the beach so I will now start my search for beaches in Fl that allows dogs.

I had many other things to say but i got caught up in somethign else and forgot so I'm done for now

Finally making the trip

So next month I am going to take a trip to meet somone who I have been looking forward to meeting since they 1st time I commented his myspace blog. This is going to be a seriously big trip because not only am I going to see him I am getting to see some family and the one and only batman. I miss that kid hella much. Anywho, I am going to be spending a week is Pittsburg and I am way beyond excited. Looked at money and now I am so happy everything will be in order very very soon. Meeting him has been a long time comming and I can't imagine what it will actualy be like except AWESOME!!! So tomorrow I am going to begin the search for serious hair "blogisodes" I have gone through a few types of products thus far and I am excited to put the real results up to hopefully help some people out and just cause I can. Blogging is amazing and I love being able to do it. I have tried many many many times to make blogs that I keep u with and so far this has been the only one that has made it past a week or two. Anyways, good things are comming so be prepared for new stuff soon.

Things you learn in someone elses bathroom

When you stay with someone or maybe if you are just sort of nosey and check out the stuff in peoples bathrooms there are a few things you learn.

-What type of hair they have
-How often they get headaches
-How soft their skin is
-How often they get hurt
-How clean they keep themselves
-If they take showers or baths
-How often they brush their teeth
and -How much they sweat

Just random thought. There are alot of things you can learn about people just by scanning the rooms of their houses when you walk into them. The living room alone can usualy tell you how many people live their, if they have pets or children, if they do drugs, how much money they make, and how often they are home.

Sometimes the clues are obvious and sometimes subtle but they are always there. Just look and smell and look again.

Well I suppose thats all for this blog. I do have one special things comming up on here and that is "The search for serious hair" blog issues. Is your hair fried,dyed,frizzy,dried,and/or damaged? This set of blogs comming up will be for you. I have been trying out all sorts of shampoo/conditioner/leave-in combos and I will be writing personal expirence for these products what works and what doesnt.

Hip Hip HOLY CRAP!!

Today I went and got dermal anchors put in my hips and boy was I nervous. I watched some Youtube videos of it and it looked incredibly painful but I really wanted it done so I said fuck it and went for it. I am quite happy and must say it didnt hurt very much at all there was a little bit of a sharp pinching feeling and it felt really odd when they put the anchors in because you can feel them working them into your skin but all in all only about a 5 or 6 on a scale from 1-10 plus they look uber fucking cool.

something is comming

So very soon a new career will begin to blossom right before my eyes. This is going to be a very big deal for me and I am quite excited. For the 1st time since I was like 8 I can say I have big plans for the summer. I do forsee some minute issues along the way but it wouldn't be life without a few issues. Let's just leave it with I'm excited!!!!

Your Body, The worlds body?

I saw something online the other day about weather or not posting,sending,taking "provoctive" pictures means you have no self respect. I did alot of thinking about this subject and came to this conclusion.

There is always going to be people who see it as a lack of self respect but there are many other ways to look at it. It could be any of these...

-lack of self respect
-bodily confidence
-self pride
-life confusion
-desparation
-self discovery
-personal likeness

They are all very different reasons for doing this but not everyone does it for the same reason and doing it does not mean you have no self respect.
I personaly feel that if you have the confidence to show yourself off then there is no reason not to.

I have a few pictures out there that show off my body and I have PLENTY of self respect. I'm not a whore, I don't sleep with a million people. I am wise about the choices I make reguarding sex and relationships, I love my body and my mind.

Personaly I do it out of pure pride for all of me. I am proud of my body and have no qualms about letting people know it. I don't mind if people think badly of me for it because I know who I am and random people can not change me or dampen my confidence in anyway shape or form.

I believe that if someone wants to show off for whatever reason people need to allow them to do it. Stop fucking with people about what they choose to do. We all of the right to do as we choose.

wi-fi and the i-pod

So last night I figured out how to set up a network thru my computer and now I get wifi on my iPod in and my house……I know nothing truly worth blogging about but I was excited.

In silence

So here I sit with my mind running a million miles a minute but I seem to have nothing to say.

My heart is gonna heavy at the moment but I can't seem to feel the way I probably should. I actually feel bad that I only shed a few tears in a moment that called for many. Dark hours are here for the first real time in my life and it's almost like I don't notice. Is it shock? or is it simply that I can't feel that way?

And so the questioning comes to this...
Why have a shed more tears over pointless boys then the loss of a loved one?
Why am I so good at comforting people but I can't ease my own mind?
Is there real peace in this all or is it simply what we believe to sleep at night?
Is there a real reason why life takes away amazing people and spares the terrible?
Did he know what was comming?
Will SHE be okay?


Somewhere in the world right now someone is crossing over...today it was my Poppa tomorrow it could be yours.

Please people I beg you now....

....tell your loved ones you love them. Stop wasting time on things you know are not important. Hug everyone in your life like it will be the last time. Apologize even if they were wrong. Hold on to and cherish precious moments because you will NEVER get any of them back.

Life is way to short for small worries and grudges and hate. Be careful who you let come and go in your life.

4:20 inspired.

So yesturday was the all but fabulous 4:20 holiday and as it tends togo I spent 99% of my day in a complete daze. I worked 10-1:30 and when I got home...oh snap it was fucking on like donkey kong. I packed a bowl almost the minute I got home and like 30minutes later a friend of mine came over and we just steady smoked away til 7 or so. Of course I continues to smoke til about 8:30. The only time I got my ass out of the chair was to get munchies and a drink and when I moved to the couch after my friend left.

I was so dazed I was out by 9:30ish. I don't even remember what I watched or really any of the conversations I had except from the very begining of the day.

HOWEVER!!!! I did learn something...Did you know when moutian dew spoils it turns white?

SOOOOOOOOO I'm excited!!!! On May 29th this awsome comedian I met on myspace will be in clearwater doing a show. I can't wait to finally meet this guy. He is fucking amazing. I think anyone and evryone who reads this should come out and see the show I'll post more details as I get them.

Just random bullshitting

So lately I have been running into ones I used to know or meeting new cute guys. I been feeling unstoppable about it lately. Saturday night both of my eye candies were at work and when I got off both of my eye candies from sonny's were there hanging out. I was on hott boy cloud nine. Then last nite I went on a "date" with a guy from work. I had alot of fun and it was good to get out of the fucking house.

Ok well I went and seen kickass and it was simply that!
It had its slow moments but it was funny as hell and in the end it really did kickass. However I'm pretty sure they are going to make another one and I'm not sure I totaly agree that they should as it ended well enough not to. Sequels always suck anyways so why fuck with a good thing.

On the topic of movies...random thought. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad noone has ever tried to remake the wizard of oz. I hate when people mess with perfection. It's rare to find good movies and shit yeah that def was one.

I can't help but wonder

How do people define friendship? What do people have to do for you for you to consider them your friend?

Me I define a friend like this:
Someone you can have fun with even if your doing nothing
Someone who you can talk to and trust they wont tell other people what you say
Someone who is there when you're crying
Someone who will blow off plans when you REALLY need them
Someone who cares if your hurting, sick, or sad
Someone who knows your flaws but loves you anyways
and most of all someone who you would be willing to do all these things for aswell.

I try very hard to do these things for people I consider friends but lately it seems that none of those people are willing to do these things for me. I can only wonder what I did to make these people treat me like I am not really a friend but just some person they hang out with from time to time.

Now what brought this on you ask well...
...I have been sick for a few days now and I'm not getting any better so I decided I was going to go to the E.R. but didn't want to go alone so I started calling people to go with me and NOONE will. Even tho many of these people I have bent over backwards for in the past. Sad part is none of them had to do ANYTHING. I would have picked them up from their house and taken them back home when I got out but yet noone was willing to go. I don't ask my friends for much because I don't ever feel right about asking people to do things for me even tho they ask me for things quite often. They only one of them that even said they would go is my bestfriend but she has a baby so I wasnt going to have the baby around me out of fear she would get sick.

I feel quite betrayed at this point and I hope that someday people will learn to be better friends to the right people.

Sick does not mean preggo.

So I have noticed the last 3 times I was sick people kept asking if I was pregnat. I was never quite sure why but then today I put it together. When your sick and have a fever alot of times you can get dizzy or feel off balance and I don't know about other people but when I get dizzy I hold my stomach because it helps me balance myself out. I assume when I do this they think I'm quezy and for some reason unknown to me everytime a girl has an upset stomach people automaticaly assume they are pregnat. So inconclusion...I am not preggo not now and never have been also just because a female is sick doesnt mean she is preggo and it's actually really fucking rude to ask that so maybe ppl shouldnt do it anymore.

Dear Mr.Matt Ryder

Not that I believe you are ever going to see this but I am going to write it anyways because I need to feel better and it's simple as that.

You swore up and down that our friendship ment so much to you but if that was the case how come you were always such a shitty friend to me? How come in the begining when I wouldn't date you it had to mean I wasnt worth your time? On the same note what made you think when you came up to me that day at my job that I would just be all happy to see you? If you were really my friend you wouldnt have left me high and dry as many times as you did for NO FUCKING REASON I might add. Why is it that everytime you more or less dipped out on our "friendship" I had to come to you just to make you talk to me again? Hey Matt how often to you go to your friends house? and how often did you come to mine? When we broke up you said you never came over because of my mom....which is dumb as shit but ok fine then explain why when I didnt live with her and we were just friends you still never came to my fucking house?? even when you had a car!! Same thing with the parties...You were invited to alot of them and always made up a lame ass excuse as to why you couldnt come.

As far as our relationship went it was all bullshit and it was because of you not me. Granted I am not perfect and I didnt do EVERYTHING right but there was alot more things you didnt do right. I have a job 6days a week sometime 10 or 11 hrs a day and yet you were constantly telling me how I never came to see you enough. Why did it always have to be me? Why did I have to do all the work and then hear all the bullshit about how I wasnt doing ENOUGH work??? Thats total crap!! For your information Matt I spent alot of time beating myself up about the fact that I was to tired to go anywhere and that ment not seeing you. I should have never had to do that to myself but you caused that and it's not right despite what you want to think. You remember how I said we didn't connect on that emotional level? well you wanna know why? You never made me feel like I could talk to you about serious things. I felt like if I did I would get nothing but immature comments and responses. I know for a fact I have opened my ears to you even if you didnt want them I laid them down for you and I never got that from you.

I know I wasnt the best at showing you how I felt but I honestly tried I was just never really tought how and thats not any of our faults it's just something I don't think you ever really knew.

Now when I asked you if you cheated and you asked why....here is why. 2 days after we broke up you post a photo of you kissing the girl you made me go pick up at 3am who btw you talked shit about when she got out of the car incase you forgot. Also you talked about how your heart went to whereever the fuck she lives.....if she is your heart she must have been for sometime(cause that dont happen overnight)and if she is your heart then hunny you did cheat. Not physicaly but emotionaly and thats worse then having sex with someone. Why?? because it means you are not truly in your actual relationship just physicly there.

I had much more to say however I'm sick as shit and my nyquil is kicking in just if you see this keep in mind I do not hate you just can't let you hurt me anymore and I know only I can stop it so thats what I am doing. If you have anything to say you know how to find me but otherwise I'm basicaly done.

P.S.-I lied I do love you but I'm certinaly not in love with you....it could have happened I'm sure but Ill never know.

DUCES MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Work Ethic

Have you ever had a job you just completely hated? I'm sure since we all have. The better question would be have you ever had a job you completely loved? It's so much more rare to get a yes to that question, but does not having a love for your job have to go hand in hand for having no respect for the work you do? It seems to me that more and more people are loosing the little respect they carry for their job and it's giving others the impression that respect for their work is useless for keep a steady job. When did people become so lazy? I have a job I can't stand but I have a high work ethic and I work hard to make the money I make...even if sometimes it's not enough to satisfy. The fact of the matter is EVERY job is important and someone has to do it. You may not like what you do but that doesnt mean that you simply do what it takes to get by. You don't always have to be going above and beyond but you should always be trying to improve. Not so that you look better in the eyes of your employer but to look better in your own eyes. Working is tough but we all have to do it and it would be nice to see people putting alittle more effort into doing their job well thats all.