I find myself down and troubled and confused and even the happy moments seem a bit bleak or heavy for me. The object of life is to please yourself right? or maybe to please others or the universe. No matter how you see it in reality you have to do a bit of pleaseing to anyone and everyone to fulfill life greatest moments. Atleast this is what seems to be true.
I know I'm young but for some reason I seem to know alot and I HATE IT!! It makes me do alot of "thinking" I personaly like to call it wondering because alot of it never leads to anything and I feel like thinking should get you somewhere. I just seem to have alot of what ifs and how comes. I never have answers and even worse I never seem to have reasons as to why I ask such questions.
My life thus far has been fairly uneventful and that seems to drive me crazy and yet I never know how to change that. I don't have any real talent for much except cooking and I can never make a decision to save my life. I am somewhat of a disaster and that is a bit scary.
I am tired of holding on to things so long it hurts, I am scared of the fact that stupid things make me cry but real things don't even seem to make me feel. How did I get so mixed up? Why can't I apologize when I was wrong or hurtful? I wish very often that I could. I know I know only I can chage that but I can never bring my self to be the way I guess I should be or I feel like I should be.
I HIDE:
feelings
thoughts
apologies
pain
my heart
my greater ideas
WHY DAMN IT?? WHY??
I think I need a therapist!
Could I? Should I? Do I?
I am depressed alot more lately then normal. Not like so seriously that I hide myself away and I call off work and I don't speak to anyone. Just simply enough to make me feel bad inside and avoid going to hang out with people or talk to them on the phone and to lie about my feelings. The other day my bestfriend called me and was really hurting and just needed someone to talk to about her problems but my phone was breaking up so I said I would call her later or the next day.....I NEVER DID! I feel like a horrible friend and it wasn't for any reason other then I feel it's wrong to talk about your problems when someone is venting but I can't not tell her things when I don't feel right.
UGH!!
Can't wait to make my big changes!
I'm ready! SOOOO READY!
-END
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The most controversial blog I will ever write
WARNING!!!!!!
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback
NOW!
There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.
Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!
I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?
I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?
Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.
Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.
Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?
If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.
Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.
White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!
Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful
All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.
Think about this for a minute:
By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.
With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback
NOW!
There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.
Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!
I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?
I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?
Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.
Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.
Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?
If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.
Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.
White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!
Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful
All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.
Think about this for a minute:
By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.
With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?
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