In rare form.

I speak words of wisdom and on occasion someone will listen. People tend to be shocked by some of the things I think. Most people don't believe I have the mind I have and I sort of like it that way. I never have to prove my wits if I allow people to believe I am a simple halfwit. My mind feels old at times. I think things many would never even begin to conjure. It is a weight that I usualy don't mind carrying but every now and again it starts to hurt. I truly believe ignorance is bliss, wish I was a bit more ignorant at times. Many would tell you that I am but truth is I know more about alot of people then they know about themselves I just choose not to tell them. I also know alot about people that noone is supposed to know and they are not aware that I have this knowledge. It is a fine feeling to know that people think so little of me. Now that may sound odd but I would prefer to stun or shock then dissapoint. Okay well anyways I have other things to talk about but I do not wish to write a whole other blog so a few taps on the enter key and then I will proceed. :)





I MISS YOU!
There are people in my life right now who I miss dearly even tho they are here. I have not been myself for sometime. Atleast not they myself many of these people know. I have been....well I dont even have a word for it but I'm sorry guys I promise this will not last forever. I have just been in an odd state of confusion with my own life lately. Been stuck in my head for months and that always kills me.
To a certian guy I have had on my mind lately....love you being around, hate you being around, scared about you being around, excited about you being around. So many thoughts I am dying to let you know but alas I never will as I plan to be gone in a matter of time. Just know that you are simply amazing in the way you make me feel just by being you. Thanks for being my friend it is one of the best feelings I have ever had in my life to know that you are simply my friend and you are in my life no matter what happens. To the bestfriend on the planet....YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!! You do nothing and it makes me happy. You do little things and it makes me happy. You do everything and it makes me happy. You do bad things and still it makes me happy. I don't even remember what life was like before you. You are truly the one person not related to me that I love unconditionaly and will continue to do that for the rest of my life. To a certian girl I have recently removed from my life....It's hard to understand how I can push you out and still love you but I do. If by some random chance of fate you see this please know that no matter what if you really need me for something I will be here I just find it eaiser to live daily without you. This sounds stupid as hell yes but it is probably one of the truest things I have ever said in my life. If I take you out of my daily equation it is eaiser to miss you and eaiser to deal with the fact that you trust someone like that over me. I say this because I know how she is. She always says the right things but by now Im pretty damn sure its all fake. Besides she isnt gonna get anywhere in life as long as she holds on to "it" and allows "it" to ruin perfectly good friendships and relationships in her life. When I think about it tho I guess you two will work well as friends you know what they say...it takes one to know one weeeelllll obsessive meet obsessive. Bestfriendage is a must cause your the only ones who think it's okay to be the way you two are. Logical people let shit like that go and move on to bigger and better...think about it ladies.

Just a little bit of some things that never seem to matter.

Lost in my I-pod for days now. Sadly it keeps me locked in my head and I have never done well when left there alone. I don't feel depressed or anything lately I just feel...I don't know sort of like I don't feel. I wonder if I am to far into somethings to turn back. I wanna be somewhere else just for a little bit. I keep expecting grater things only to find worse ones. However this is not hurting me just simply adding to the reasons I don't feel.

I think I am not so much annoyed by the routineness of life but of the dissapointment in life. I seem to get the things I only think I want and not the things I truly want.

I feel like noone understands that the reason I do little things for them is not only to put a smile on their face but kind of like a hoping they will do them for me. I miss the days when my friends would just leave me little notes for the hell of it or someone sent me a goodmorning text just because they were awake and knew I wasn't yet. I dislike the fact that I have to beg for my friends to tell me whats wrong only for them to lie about it when they are fully aware I know the truth.

I was stunned the other day when an hour long shower made my week worth while. It made me feel a little sad when i thought about it later. Who am I right now? I am missing people I have never met and wishing people I love would just go away for a while. I am restless to say the least.

I don't even think this shit is making sense right about now as I am jumping from one thing to another but I am just typing thoughts cause I feel like blogging. I think I want a new piercing in my face but I can't decide which one and I'm broke. I would much rather have a new piece of ink but I'm def to broke for that.

I WANT TO GO!!!!!

I don't know where I want to go I just know I want to. I feel bored all the time.

Ugh fuck this I don't feel like blogging anymore.

I can't explain this.

Somedays I am dust in the wind,
and others I am the wind carrying dust.

I feel no motivation for my motives have been crushed.

I lie in waiting,
but for what I do not know.

I am sleepless in a world which sadly does not go.

I see,
and I think sometimes I feel.

The yearning for silence is often all to real.

I am not worthy of such greatness,
but it's okay as I am not great.



Contemplate!
© Amanda R. Wishard

Just a random wonder.....maybe even real thought

Let me start by making this note*I am not the type of person who cuddles all night it just makes me a bit to crazy and I can never fall alseep if they never let go*

OK NOW!

Back...well back before life was the way it is now I had a friend who I was fairly close with. We hung out very often we talked until about pretty much everything we smoked together we drove 30 mins or more to see each other we went to parties together alot we did alot of thing for each other. Idk we were good friends. We could talk about nothing for hours. It was always fun. I never thought of him in anyway other then my friend tho. We never had sex we never kissed nothing like that hell we didnt even hug often. Just wasnt our thing I suppose. So anyways one night we were hanging out and drinking doing like we always do and we both slept together in the same bed cuddling and all.

You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night for just long enough to really kind of realize where you are and then you end up back asleep as quickly as you woke up? Well that happened to me a few times that night and to my suprise everytime it happened we were still cuddling. This gave me a sense of comfort which when kind of suprised me. I never once had the urge to push him away.

It has been a few months shy of a year since then and in all of that time I never put any thought into it. Still never saw him as any more then a friend or had any urge to make him be more then one.

In the years time that has passed tho we sort of drifted apart what with new relationships and moving and new jobs and all that yadda yadda. We still talk on occasion but not anything like we used to.

Today for some reason tho I thought back to this night. Only god knows why I'm sure and I have been thinking about it nearly all day now. With all the things that were done in our friendship and some of our conversations and confessions I guess you could call them all a part of my thoughts today I began to wonder something a bit strange. Something I have never really wondered about another person in this way. Even more so something I have never wondered about myself in this way.

Did we miss something? Rather did I give something up that I should not have? I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bugging me about it so much and then just a moment ago it hit me! Were we perfect for each other? Were we supposed to be more then friends? The cuddling all night happily was a first for me....and it still hasn't happened since. I just don't understand it...didn't then and don't now.

Him and I always did click on a level I don't think I have had with anyone else. I really could tell him anything things I didn't even tell my bestfriend. I'm pretty sure he tols me things he didn't really tell many other people wither. All the memories are now comming together in my head and I am shocked at the things I didn't see.

I have to wonder if he saw them or felt them. Sometimes when we talk now I still think he thinks about it to...idk why there is just something about the way he talks to me I can't explain it it just is the way it is I suppose.

Well anywho I had somemore I wanted to write however I really want to go and watch Pocahontas so I'm just gonna leave it at this.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Oh wait one more thing ppl let's not try and guess who this is because chances are the person you think it is aint who it actually is I know who it sounds like to most of you reading this but you are wrong.

Just bare with me as I vent for a bit

I find myself down and troubled and confused and even the happy moments seem a bit bleak or heavy for me. The object of life is to please yourself right? or maybe to please others or the universe. No matter how you see it in reality you have to do a bit of pleaseing to anyone and everyone to fulfill life greatest moments. Atleast this is what seems to be true.

I know I'm young but for some reason I seem to know alot and I HATE IT!! It makes me do alot of "thinking" I personaly like to call it wondering because alot of it never leads to anything and I feel like thinking should get you somewhere. I just seem to have alot of what ifs and how comes. I never have answers and even worse I never seem to have reasons as to why I ask such questions.

My life thus far has been fairly uneventful and that seems to drive me crazy and yet I never know how to change that. I don't have any real talent for much except cooking and I can never make a decision to save my life. I am somewhat of a disaster and that is a bit scary.

I am tired of holding on to things so long it hurts, I am scared of the fact that stupid things make me cry but real things don't even seem to make me feel. How did I get so mixed up? Why can't I apologize when I was wrong or hurtful? I wish very often that I could. I know I know only I can chage that but I can never bring my self to be the way I guess I should be or I feel like I should be.

I HIDE:
feelings
thoughts
apologies
pain
my heart
my greater ideas

WHY DAMN IT?? WHY??

I think I need a therapist!
Could I? Should I? Do I?

I am depressed alot more lately then normal. Not like so seriously that I hide myself away and I call off work and I don't speak to anyone. Just simply enough to make me feel bad inside and avoid going to hang out with people or talk to them on the phone and to lie about my feelings. The other day my bestfriend called me and was really hurting and just needed someone to talk to about her problems but my phone was breaking up so I said I would call her later or the next day.....I NEVER DID! I feel like a horrible friend and it wasn't for any reason other then I feel it's wrong to talk about your problems when someone is venting but I can't not tell her things when I don't feel right.

UGH!!
Can't wait to make my big changes!
I'm ready! SOOOO READY!

-END

The most controversial blog I will ever write

WARNING!!!!!!
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback

NOW!

There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.

Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!

I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?

I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?

Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.

Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.

Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?

If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.

Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.

White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!

Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful

All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.

Think about this for a minute:

By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.

With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?