In rare form.

I speak words of wisdom and on occasion someone will listen. People tend to be shocked by some of the things I think. Most people don't believe I have the mind I have and I sort of like it that way. I never have to prove my wits if I allow people to believe I am a simple halfwit. My mind feels old at times. I think things many would never even begin to conjure. It is a weight that I usualy don't mind carrying but every now and again it starts to hurt. I truly believe ignorance is bliss, wish I was a bit more ignorant at times. Many would tell you that I am but truth is I know more about alot of people then they know about themselves I just choose not to tell them. I also know alot about people that noone is supposed to know and they are not aware that I have this knowledge. It is a fine feeling to know that people think so little of me. Now that may sound odd but I would prefer to stun or shock then dissapoint. Okay well anyways I have other things to talk about but I do not wish to write a whole other blog so a few taps on the enter key and then I will proceed. :)





I MISS YOU!
There are people in my life right now who I miss dearly even tho they are here. I have not been myself for sometime. Atleast not they myself many of these people know. I have been....well I dont even have a word for it but I'm sorry guys I promise this will not last forever. I have just been in an odd state of confusion with my own life lately. Been stuck in my head for months and that always kills me.
To a certian guy I have had on my mind lately....love you being around, hate you being around, scared about you being around, excited about you being around. So many thoughts I am dying to let you know but alas I never will as I plan to be gone in a matter of time. Just know that you are simply amazing in the way you make me feel just by being you. Thanks for being my friend it is one of the best feelings I have ever had in my life to know that you are simply my friend and you are in my life no matter what happens. To the bestfriend on the planet....YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!! You do nothing and it makes me happy. You do little things and it makes me happy. You do everything and it makes me happy. You do bad things and still it makes me happy. I don't even remember what life was like before you. You are truly the one person not related to me that I love unconditionaly and will continue to do that for the rest of my life. To a certian girl I have recently removed from my life....It's hard to understand how I can push you out and still love you but I do. If by some random chance of fate you see this please know that no matter what if you really need me for something I will be here I just find it eaiser to live daily without you. This sounds stupid as hell yes but it is probably one of the truest things I have ever said in my life. If I take you out of my daily equation it is eaiser to miss you and eaiser to deal with the fact that you trust someone like that over me. I say this because I know how she is. She always says the right things but by now Im pretty damn sure its all fake. Besides she isnt gonna get anywhere in life as long as she holds on to "it" and allows "it" to ruin perfectly good friendships and relationships in her life. When I think about it tho I guess you two will work well as friends you know what they say...it takes one to know one weeeelllll obsessive meet obsessive. Bestfriendage is a must cause your the only ones who think it's okay to be the way you two are. Logical people let shit like that go and move on to bigger and better...think about it ladies.

I'm sorry but I can't change it

Katie,

This is the first time we have ever hit a rough spot in our friendship. Man it took us awhile didnt it? I have never told you my feelings about much of anything because I am always afraid of hurting you. You are just really sensitive and I have never been good at sparing feelings when talking about mine.

SO listen to me right now NONE of this is ment to hurt you or make you upset tho some of it may and for that I am sorry. Just know that I love you and I always will even if one day you decide to hate me I will still love you and consider you a friend.

Ok so here it goes.

You are soooooo ugh there is not even a word for it at times. You just posess this quality that now more then ever makes me wonder how we were ever friends. I don't judge or hate you for it, it simply makes me a little crazy. I think it bugs me most now because of him.

As for that whole situation MY GOSH!!!! So many thoughts come to mind right now. Mostly I am sorry. I really wish you would have just talked to me about it when I more or less begged you to. It really hurt my feelings that you talked to someone else instead of me. YES I may have gotten mad or got my feelings hurt but you are my friend and being mad at you or having you hurt my feelings would never change that. I honestly think it would be a sort of progress for us because we have never had a struggle in our friendship. It has always been a bit to perfect. My next thought on this is WHY KATIE??? If it was such a big deal why did u ever "trade" in the first place? Why did you ever pretend you didnt care? I care more about your feelings then anything in this situation I think you know that and he does to I made that very clear to him the first time he even made a comment about liking me. I wasnt even going to hang out with him out of love and respect for you. Then you put on this major front about how it didnt matter and I can only take you on your word girl...I'm not inside that crazy head of yours how was I to know? My next thoughts are as follows. I can not change anything that has happened but I can always stop what will just remember that. I have NOT had sex with him but we have spent a decent amount of time together and we do mesh really well. He keeps a smile on my face and I feel so comfortable with him. IDK why it is what it is I suppose. I can't lie and say I dont like him because damn it Katie I do but you are more important then that. I want you to know that I will NOT stop hanging out with him but I will also NOT do anything more then hang out with him knowing what I know now. It will not be easy because I am so comfortable with him but like I said you mean soooooo much more. Next thoughts. HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!! The way that happened and what you said to him and to me(yes I know what you said to him) was kind of uncalled for and sort of childish. I understand it's hard to watch what was happening but you went about expressing it in all the wrong ways girl. It came off obsessive and contorlling and just plain rude. I hate to say it but someone had to. Next, I felt very hurt and kinda fucked in this situation because I felt like I laid it all out on the table for you and thought of your feelings before mine and I don't feel like you did the same for me. Granted it wasn't exactly the same situation with that boy but it's about principal. I think you know what I mean.

FUCK THIS!! I don't want to discuss this situation any further. Babygirl you are leaving me in a matter of weeks and I am going to miss you dearly. You have NO IDEA how much you mean to me. I would risk my life for you if I knew it would make you day better or your sun brighter. I love you with all my heart imperfections and all. Everything we have ever done together has chaged me in ways you will never know. You have brought alot of joy into my life when I needed it and wasn't aware. Check that off your list of things to do before you die. You HAVE changed my life and in many ways.
-You have showed me that being the silly me that I am is okay because the people who love you don't care
-You have taught me that putting your heart on the line for a boy may get it broken but it is worth it
-You have proven to me that it is possible to find more then one person in this world who is truly your friend and will always be there when you need them
-You have been a part of making me who I am today
Noone and nothing can do what you have done and take away what you have given me. You may be flawed and a wee bit annoying at times and you may have your crazy girl moments but hunny there is noone like you and I would never change or trade you for anything. I want you to remember that you are a wonderful person and you deserve noting but the best in life. Don't let people get you down or tell you to be somethign your not because you are amazing just the way you are. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You have such a big heart that sometimes I wonder how you fit it inside your chest. The I think to my self it's okay her boobies hold it in LOL =)
Katie you are fantastic and I can't imagine my life without you in it.

I hope you realize what I big part of my life will br gone when you go to Vages.
Don't loose touch with me please.

I Love You Katlyn Ashley Pharis.

Just a random wonder.....maybe even real thought

Let me start by making this note*I am not the type of person who cuddles all night it just makes me a bit to crazy and I can never fall alseep if they never let go*

OK NOW!

Back...well back before life was the way it is now I had a friend who I was fairly close with. We hung out very often we talked until about pretty much everything we smoked together we drove 30 mins or more to see each other we went to parties together alot we did alot of thing for each other. Idk we were good friends. We could talk about nothing for hours. It was always fun. I never thought of him in anyway other then my friend tho. We never had sex we never kissed nothing like that hell we didnt even hug often. Just wasnt our thing I suppose. So anyways one night we were hanging out and drinking doing like we always do and we both slept together in the same bed cuddling and all.

You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night for just long enough to really kind of realize where you are and then you end up back asleep as quickly as you woke up? Well that happened to me a few times that night and to my suprise everytime it happened we were still cuddling. This gave me a sense of comfort which when kind of suprised me. I never once had the urge to push him away.

It has been a few months shy of a year since then and in all of that time I never put any thought into it. Still never saw him as any more then a friend or had any urge to make him be more then one.

In the years time that has passed tho we sort of drifted apart what with new relationships and moving and new jobs and all that yadda yadda. We still talk on occasion but not anything like we used to.

Today for some reason tho I thought back to this night. Only god knows why I'm sure and I have been thinking about it nearly all day now. With all the things that were done in our friendship and some of our conversations and confessions I guess you could call them all a part of my thoughts today I began to wonder something a bit strange. Something I have never really wondered about another person in this way. Even more so something I have never wondered about myself in this way.

Did we miss something? Rather did I give something up that I should not have? I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bugging me about it so much and then just a moment ago it hit me! Were we perfect for each other? Were we supposed to be more then friends? The cuddling all night happily was a first for me....and it still hasn't happened since. I just don't understand it...didn't then and don't now.

Him and I always did click on a level I don't think I have had with anyone else. I really could tell him anything things I didn't even tell my bestfriend. I'm pretty sure he tols me things he didn't really tell many other people wither. All the memories are now comming together in my head and I am shocked at the things I didn't see.

I have to wonder if he saw them or felt them. Sometimes when we talk now I still think he thinks about it to...idk why there is just something about the way he talks to me I can't explain it it just is the way it is I suppose.

Well anywho I had somemore I wanted to write however I really want to go and watch Pocahontas so I'm just gonna leave it at this.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Oh wait one more thing ppl let's not try and guess who this is because chances are the person you think it is aint who it actually is I know who it sounds like to most of you reading this but you are wrong.

OK so......

As you can see I decided not to do the shampoo blogs so girls just go out and buy Dove Intensive Repair. It works great!!! I promise! Anywho onto some updates.

The 30th was my birthday and I want to say thank you to everyone who was there yall made it fantastic Mom,April,Jena,Jesse,Arthur,Suzie,Kevin,Mike,TJ etc. etc. I spent almost that entire week fucked up :)

This year I got one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for. His name is Scout and his is a 7yo Aussie. He is one of the most amazing dogs I have ever met. He sometimes likes to think he is the boss but so far I am doing a good job of teaching him otherwise. I gave him a bath the other day and boy did he hate that. However I feel like it gave us some good together time to show him I am the boss and also that baths can be a good thing. His old mom Sandy informed me that he loves the beach so I will now start my search for beaches in Fl that allows dogs.

I had many other things to say but i got caught up in somethign else and forgot so I'm done for now

I can't help but wonder

How do people define friendship? What do people have to do for you for you to consider them your friend?

Me I define a friend like this:
Someone you can have fun with even if your doing nothing
Someone who you can talk to and trust they wont tell other people what you say
Someone who is there when you're crying
Someone who will blow off plans when you REALLY need them
Someone who cares if your hurting, sick, or sad
Someone who knows your flaws but loves you anyways
and most of all someone who you would be willing to do all these things for aswell.

I try very hard to do these things for people I consider friends but lately it seems that none of those people are willing to do these things for me. I can only wonder what I did to make these people treat me like I am not really a friend but just some person they hang out with from time to time.

Now what brought this on you ask well...
...I have been sick for a few days now and I'm not getting any better so I decided I was going to go to the E.R. but didn't want to go alone so I started calling people to go with me and NOONE will. Even tho many of these people I have bent over backwards for in the past. Sad part is none of them had to do ANYTHING. I would have picked them up from their house and taken them back home when I got out but yet noone was willing to go. I don't ask my friends for much because I don't ever feel right about asking people to do things for me even tho they ask me for things quite often. They only one of them that even said they would go is my bestfriend but she has a baby so I wasnt going to have the baby around me out of fear she would get sick.

I feel quite betrayed at this point and I hope that someday people will learn to be better friends to the right people.

Dear Mr.Matt Ryder

Not that I believe you are ever going to see this but I am going to write it anyways because I need to feel better and it's simple as that.

You swore up and down that our friendship ment so much to you but if that was the case how come you were always such a shitty friend to me? How come in the begining when I wouldn't date you it had to mean I wasnt worth your time? On the same note what made you think when you came up to me that day at my job that I would just be all happy to see you? If you were really my friend you wouldnt have left me high and dry as many times as you did for NO FUCKING REASON I might add. Why is it that everytime you more or less dipped out on our "friendship" I had to come to you just to make you talk to me again? Hey Matt how often to you go to your friends house? and how often did you come to mine? When we broke up you said you never came over because of my mom....which is dumb as shit but ok fine then explain why when I didnt live with her and we were just friends you still never came to my fucking house?? even when you had a car!! Same thing with the parties...You were invited to alot of them and always made up a lame ass excuse as to why you couldnt come.

As far as our relationship went it was all bullshit and it was because of you not me. Granted I am not perfect and I didnt do EVERYTHING right but there was alot more things you didnt do right. I have a job 6days a week sometime 10 or 11 hrs a day and yet you were constantly telling me how I never came to see you enough. Why did it always have to be me? Why did I have to do all the work and then hear all the bullshit about how I wasnt doing ENOUGH work??? Thats total crap!! For your information Matt I spent alot of time beating myself up about the fact that I was to tired to go anywhere and that ment not seeing you. I should have never had to do that to myself but you caused that and it's not right despite what you want to think. You remember how I said we didn't connect on that emotional level? well you wanna know why? You never made me feel like I could talk to you about serious things. I felt like if I did I would get nothing but immature comments and responses. I know for a fact I have opened my ears to you even if you didnt want them I laid them down for you and I never got that from you.

I know I wasnt the best at showing you how I felt but I honestly tried I was just never really tought how and thats not any of our faults it's just something I don't think you ever really knew.

Now when I asked you if you cheated and you asked why....here is why. 2 days after we broke up you post a photo of you kissing the girl you made me go pick up at 3am who btw you talked shit about when she got out of the car incase you forgot. Also you talked about how your heart went to whereever the fuck she lives.....if she is your heart she must have been for sometime(cause that dont happen overnight)and if she is your heart then hunny you did cheat. Not physicaly but emotionaly and thats worse then having sex with someone. Why?? because it means you are not truly in your actual relationship just physicly there.

I had much more to say however I'm sick as shit and my nyquil is kicking in just if you see this keep in mind I do not hate you just can't let you hurt me anymore and I know only I can stop it so thats what I am doing. If you have anything to say you know how to find me but otherwise I'm basicaly done.

P.S.-I lied I do love you but I'm certinaly not in love with you....it could have happened I'm sure but Ill never know.

DUCES MOTHERFUCKER!!!