I'm sorry but I can't change it

Katie,

This is the first time we have ever hit a rough spot in our friendship. Man it took us awhile didnt it? I have never told you my feelings about much of anything because I am always afraid of hurting you. You are just really sensitive and I have never been good at sparing feelings when talking about mine.

SO listen to me right now NONE of this is ment to hurt you or make you upset tho some of it may and for that I am sorry. Just know that I love you and I always will even if one day you decide to hate me I will still love you and consider you a friend.

Ok so here it goes.

You are soooooo ugh there is not even a word for it at times. You just posess this quality that now more then ever makes me wonder how we were ever friends. I don't judge or hate you for it, it simply makes me a little crazy. I think it bugs me most now because of him.

As for that whole situation MY GOSH!!!! So many thoughts come to mind right now. Mostly I am sorry. I really wish you would have just talked to me about it when I more or less begged you to. It really hurt my feelings that you talked to someone else instead of me. YES I may have gotten mad or got my feelings hurt but you are my friend and being mad at you or having you hurt my feelings would never change that. I honestly think it would be a sort of progress for us because we have never had a struggle in our friendship. It has always been a bit to perfect. My next thought on this is WHY KATIE??? If it was such a big deal why did u ever "trade" in the first place? Why did you ever pretend you didnt care? I care more about your feelings then anything in this situation I think you know that and he does to I made that very clear to him the first time he even made a comment about liking me. I wasnt even going to hang out with him out of love and respect for you. Then you put on this major front about how it didnt matter and I can only take you on your word girl...I'm not inside that crazy head of yours how was I to know? My next thoughts are as follows. I can not change anything that has happened but I can always stop what will just remember that. I have NOT had sex with him but we have spent a decent amount of time together and we do mesh really well. He keeps a smile on my face and I feel so comfortable with him. IDK why it is what it is I suppose. I can't lie and say I dont like him because damn it Katie I do but you are more important then that. I want you to know that I will NOT stop hanging out with him but I will also NOT do anything more then hang out with him knowing what I know now. It will not be easy because I am so comfortable with him but like I said you mean soooooo much more. Next thoughts. HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!! The way that happened and what you said to him and to me(yes I know what you said to him) was kind of uncalled for and sort of childish. I understand it's hard to watch what was happening but you went about expressing it in all the wrong ways girl. It came off obsessive and contorlling and just plain rude. I hate to say it but someone had to. Next, I felt very hurt and kinda fucked in this situation because I felt like I laid it all out on the table for you and thought of your feelings before mine and I don't feel like you did the same for me. Granted it wasn't exactly the same situation with that boy but it's about principal. I think you know what I mean.

FUCK THIS!! I don't want to discuss this situation any further. Babygirl you are leaving me in a matter of weeks and I am going to miss you dearly. You have NO IDEA how much you mean to me. I would risk my life for you if I knew it would make you day better or your sun brighter. I love you with all my heart imperfections and all. Everything we have ever done together has chaged me in ways you will never know. You have brought alot of joy into my life when I needed it and wasn't aware. Check that off your list of things to do before you die. You HAVE changed my life and in many ways.
-You have showed me that being the silly me that I am is okay because the people who love you don't care
-You have taught me that putting your heart on the line for a boy may get it broken but it is worth it
-You have proven to me that it is possible to find more then one person in this world who is truly your friend and will always be there when you need them
-You have been a part of making me who I am today
Noone and nothing can do what you have done and take away what you have given me. You may be flawed and a wee bit annoying at times and you may have your crazy girl moments but hunny there is noone like you and I would never change or trade you for anything. I want you to remember that you are a wonderful person and you deserve noting but the best in life. Don't let people get you down or tell you to be somethign your not because you are amazing just the way you are. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You have such a big heart that sometimes I wonder how you fit it inside your chest. The I think to my self it's okay her boobies hold it in LOL =)
Katie you are fantastic and I can't imagine my life without you in it.

I hope you realize what I big part of my life will br gone when you go to Vages.
Don't loose touch with me please.

I Love You Katlyn Ashley Pharis.

Just a little bit of some things that never seem to matter.

Lost in my I-pod for days now. Sadly it keeps me locked in my head and I have never done well when left there alone. I don't feel depressed or anything lately I just feel...I don't know sort of like I don't feel. I wonder if I am to far into somethings to turn back. I wanna be somewhere else just for a little bit. I keep expecting grater things only to find worse ones. However this is not hurting me just simply adding to the reasons I don't feel.

I think I am not so much annoyed by the routineness of life but of the dissapointment in life. I seem to get the things I only think I want and not the things I truly want.

I feel like noone understands that the reason I do little things for them is not only to put a smile on their face but kind of like a hoping they will do them for me. I miss the days when my friends would just leave me little notes for the hell of it or someone sent me a goodmorning text just because they were awake and knew I wasn't yet. I dislike the fact that I have to beg for my friends to tell me whats wrong only for them to lie about it when they are fully aware I know the truth.

I was stunned the other day when an hour long shower made my week worth while. It made me feel a little sad when i thought about it later. Who am I right now? I am missing people I have never met and wishing people I love would just go away for a while. I am restless to say the least.

I don't even think this shit is making sense right about now as I am jumping from one thing to another but I am just typing thoughts cause I feel like blogging. I think I want a new piercing in my face but I can't decide which one and I'm broke. I would much rather have a new piece of ink but I'm def to broke for that.

I WANT TO GO!!!!!

I don't know where I want to go I just know I want to. I feel bored all the time.

Ugh fuck this I don't feel like blogging anymore.

I can't explain this.

Somedays I am dust in the wind,
and others I am the wind carrying dust.

I feel no motivation for my motives have been crushed.

I lie in waiting,
but for what I do not know.

I am sleepless in a world which sadly does not go.

I see,
and I think sometimes I feel.

The yearning for silence is often all to real.

I am not worthy of such greatness,
but it's okay as I am not great.



Contemplate!
© Amanda R. Wishard

Spic and Span!!!

I suggest buying this for all your cleaning needs!!!

Best product I have EVER used, plus its antibacterial :)

Don't believe me spray it on some caked on grease and see how awesome it is

Dear Mommy,

You know I have always had a way with the written word and I just feel like I'm at a point where I need to do this for you. So let me get right to it.

I know I have my ups and downs and I know I annoy you at times and I am very sorry. I am hard to handle on occassion and sadly I don't know why, sometimes I just feel very lost or angry for no reason at all. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't take it out on you but I guess I just know that no matter what I say or do you are going to love me so it makes it easy for me to be that way with/towards you. That is awful I'm aware. Now I know I have said this a thousand times but when I am in that sort of mood it is best just to not talk to me because I get over it quicker. You tell me that I am always that way but I really don't think I am. Plus when I am that way you try to force your way in and find out what is going on and that only makes it worse. I know you are just being my mom and you care and/or are worried but the harder you try the more angry or annoyed I get and the more I will pull away and be silent.

I think I have issues mom. I think I need to go to a counsler. I can't afford to do it but I have been looking for free or cheap ones online. I don't want to keep being this way and feeling like this and not atleast knowing why(besides my age). I also know that no matter what I do you support me and for that mom I love you. I just have feelings for no reason sometimes and it scares me a little bit so I am going to keep doing some research and see if I can't find something that will work for me that is not going to break all the plans money wise.

I'm sorry I don't sleep when you want me to. I know you think it is the internet and to some extent it is but the hours I'm keeping at work don't help and I think I have some insomnia. There have been nights when I have been so tired it hurts so I turn this stupid thing off and just try to sleep but I can't. I think it goes back to the resons I want to talk to a counsler. I just have alot of things I want to get out. I know I can always talk to you and when I do you always make me feel better, but sometimes I just want an objective opinion. People close to me could never do what a professional could.

Mom, you are the only constant in my life with the exception of Byson. Now wait a second. I know I have 2 other dogs but Byson is my man and he has such a big piece of my heart I'm not sure anyone will ever get a bigger piece. He has always been by my side from the first day you brought him home. Even after I was gone for a few months the second I came back for him it was like I never left. Anywho thats not the point. You have always been there for me. I have delt with some shit in my life and you were always the one to throw on some boots and tred the crap pile with me. For that I have to say thank you. NOONE has ever done for me and stuck by me through some of my shit the way you have. You truly have my back and have helped me become who I am today.

You understand me in a way I fear noone else EVER will. You see the good in my bad and the beautiful in my ugly. My flaws are not flaws to you, atleast not the flaws other people see. You don't judge me no matrter what I say to you. Yes you make your mom type comments to some of the ridiculas things I have said and done but you never hold them against me. Now I know you are thinking well thats what moms do, but not all moms are like that. I have seen many people with their moms and watched how they interact and handel life together and seprate and they are not all the way you are. You are what a mom should be.

I know you have hard times in your life and sometimes you feel bad or guilty about the way our childhood was but don't be. We all reminise(sp?) and miss the old days so you must have done something right. If it had been that awful we would be happy to deal with our struggles now rather then occasinaly wish for the days we can't have back. I don't think anways. If it were not for the things we "missed" in our childhood I don't think I would have such a love for the little things in life. I would not be so sentimental, I would not hold love of those close to me above everything else, I would not cherish the excitetment on my dogs' faces when they see me, I would not hold onto birthday cards for as long as I do, I would not be happy to just be around people I enjoy.

Now we both know good and well I'm not completely content witth life but I am happy I have life and I love the things I do have and the possibilities that await me. I am strong because of you, I am weak because of you, I have a big heart because of you, I am a bitch because of you, I am real because of you, I fake my happiness at times because of you, I am independent because of you, I need people because of you, I smile because of you, I cry because of you. Simply put I am ME because of you and damn it mom I love every minute of me!!

I am starting to be a different me because of life but you have helped create a good foundation. I may not always agree with the things you say or do and I may not seem liek I appricate eveything but deep down I really do for without you I would be nothing. Well I would at the very least be someone different and I would not switch places with anyone for even a second.

I'm sorry, Thank you, You are welcome, and I LOVE YOU!!!

And when I am being a pain and you just want to slap my mouth off my face and knock my head off my shoulders just remeber who else in this world would get you a cheese burger without pickles without having to be told. :)

DEAR WORLD,
I LOVE MY MOMMY!!

Gyro Bowl???

So as usual I'm up til all hours of the night but tonite I saw an informecial for something that was actualy kind of neat. It's called a Gyro Bowl. It is made for kids snacks but it can be used for anything you don't want to spill. Cereal, pudding, icecream. You can also use it for more household type things like tacks, nails and screws, change. Pretty much anything you have a small collection of that you dont want to spill. It is built like a globe so the center of it stays up and open but shit doesnt spill. So i really want this thing(I have no idea what I would do with it) and I want to get one for every lovely mommy/daddy I know. Any ways check out the video and see what I mean.


You can buy it here

Anywho it's really neat and I just wanted to share it with everyone :)

Just a random wonder.....maybe even real thought

Let me start by making this note*I am not the type of person who cuddles all night it just makes me a bit to crazy and I can never fall alseep if they never let go*

OK NOW!

Back...well back before life was the way it is now I had a friend who I was fairly close with. We hung out very often we talked until about pretty much everything we smoked together we drove 30 mins or more to see each other we went to parties together alot we did alot of thing for each other. Idk we were good friends. We could talk about nothing for hours. It was always fun. I never thought of him in anyway other then my friend tho. We never had sex we never kissed nothing like that hell we didnt even hug often. Just wasnt our thing I suppose. So anyways one night we were hanging out and drinking doing like we always do and we both slept together in the same bed cuddling and all.

You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night for just long enough to really kind of realize where you are and then you end up back asleep as quickly as you woke up? Well that happened to me a few times that night and to my suprise everytime it happened we were still cuddling. This gave me a sense of comfort which when kind of suprised me. I never once had the urge to push him away.

It has been a few months shy of a year since then and in all of that time I never put any thought into it. Still never saw him as any more then a friend or had any urge to make him be more then one.

In the years time that has passed tho we sort of drifted apart what with new relationships and moving and new jobs and all that yadda yadda. We still talk on occasion but not anything like we used to.

Today for some reason tho I thought back to this night. Only god knows why I'm sure and I have been thinking about it nearly all day now. With all the things that were done in our friendship and some of our conversations and confessions I guess you could call them all a part of my thoughts today I began to wonder something a bit strange. Something I have never really wondered about another person in this way. Even more so something I have never wondered about myself in this way.

Did we miss something? Rather did I give something up that I should not have? I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bugging me about it so much and then just a moment ago it hit me! Were we perfect for each other? Were we supposed to be more then friends? The cuddling all night happily was a first for me....and it still hasn't happened since. I just don't understand it...didn't then and don't now.

Him and I always did click on a level I don't think I have had with anyone else. I really could tell him anything things I didn't even tell my bestfriend. I'm pretty sure he tols me things he didn't really tell many other people wither. All the memories are now comming together in my head and I am shocked at the things I didn't see.

I have to wonder if he saw them or felt them. Sometimes when we talk now I still think he thinks about it to...idk why there is just something about the way he talks to me I can't explain it it just is the way it is I suppose.

Well anywho I had somemore I wanted to write however I really want to go and watch Pocahontas so I'm just gonna leave it at this.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Oh wait one more thing ppl let's not try and guess who this is because chances are the person you think it is aint who it actually is I know who it sounds like to most of you reading this but you are wrong.