I find myself down and troubled and confused and even the happy moments seem a bit bleak or heavy for me. The object of life is to please yourself right? or maybe to please others or the universe. No matter how you see it in reality you have to do a bit of pleaseing to anyone and everyone to fulfill life greatest moments. Atleast this is what seems to be true.
I know I'm young but for some reason I seem to know alot and I HATE IT!! It makes me do alot of "thinking" I personaly like to call it wondering because alot of it never leads to anything and I feel like thinking should get you somewhere. I just seem to have alot of what ifs and how comes. I never have answers and even worse I never seem to have reasons as to why I ask such questions.
My life thus far has been fairly uneventful and that seems to drive me crazy and yet I never know how to change that. I don't have any real talent for much except cooking and I can never make a decision to save my life. I am somewhat of a disaster and that is a bit scary.
I am tired of holding on to things so long it hurts, I am scared of the fact that stupid things make me cry but real things don't even seem to make me feel. How did I get so mixed up? Why can't I apologize when I was wrong or hurtful? I wish very often that I could. I know I know only I can chage that but I can never bring my self to be the way I guess I should be or I feel like I should be.
I HIDE:
feelings
thoughts
apologies
pain
my heart
my greater ideas
WHY DAMN IT?? WHY??
I think I need a therapist!
Could I? Should I? Do I?
I am depressed alot more lately then normal. Not like so seriously that I hide myself away and I call off work and I don't speak to anyone. Just simply enough to make me feel bad inside and avoid going to hang out with people or talk to them on the phone and to lie about my feelings. The other day my bestfriend called me and was really hurting and just needed someone to talk to about her problems but my phone was breaking up so I said I would call her later or the next day.....I NEVER DID! I feel like a horrible friend and it wasn't for any reason other then I feel it's wrong to talk about your problems when someone is venting but I can't not tell her things when I don't feel right.
UGH!!
Can't wait to make my big changes!
I'm ready! SOOOO READY!
-END
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The most controversial blog I will ever write
WARNING!!!!!!
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback
NOW!
There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.
Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!
I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?
I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?
Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.
Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.
Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?
If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.
Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.
White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!
Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful
All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.
Think about this for a minute:
By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.
With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback
NOW!
There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.
Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!
I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?
I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?
Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.
Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.
Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?
If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.
Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.
White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!
Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful
All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.
Think about this for a minute:
By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.
With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?
Friday, July 9, 2010
OK so......
As you can see I decided not to do the shampoo blogs so girls just go out and buy Dove Intensive Repair. It works great!!! I promise! Anywho onto some updates.
The 30th was my birthday and I want to say thank you to everyone who was there yall made it fantastic Mom,April,Jena,Jesse,Arthur,Suzie,Kevin,Mike,TJ etc. etc. I spent almost that entire week fucked up :)
This year I got one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for. His name is Scout and his is a 7yo Aussie. He is one of the most amazing dogs I have ever met. He sometimes likes to think he is the boss but so far I am doing a good job of teaching him otherwise. I gave him a bath the other day and boy did he hate that. However I feel like it gave us some good together time to show him I am the boss and also that baths can be a good thing. His old mom Sandy informed me that he loves the beach so I will now start my search for beaches in Fl that allows dogs.
I had many other things to say but i got caught up in somethign else and forgot so I'm done for now
The 30th was my birthday and I want to say thank you to everyone who was there yall made it fantastic Mom,April,Jena,Jesse,Arthur,Suzie,Kevin,Mike,TJ etc. etc. I spent almost that entire week fucked up :)
This year I got one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for. His name is Scout and his is a 7yo Aussie. He is one of the most amazing dogs I have ever met. He sometimes likes to think he is the boss but so far I am doing a good job of teaching him otherwise. I gave him a bath the other day and boy did he hate that. However I feel like it gave us some good together time to show him I am the boss and also that baths can be a good thing. His old mom Sandy informed me that he loves the beach so I will now start my search for beaches in Fl that allows dogs.
I had many other things to say but i got caught up in somethign else and forgot so I'm done for now
Monday, June 21, 2010
Finally making the trip
So next month I am going to take a trip to meet somone who I have been looking forward to meeting since they 1st time I commented his myspace blog. This is going to be a seriously big trip because not only am I going to see him I am getting to see some family and the one and only batman. I miss that kid hella much. Anywho, I am going to be spending a week is Pittsburg and I am way beyond excited. Looked at money and now I am so happy everything will be in order very very soon. Meeting him has been a long time comming and I can't imagine what it will actualy be like except AWESOME!!! So tomorrow I am going to begin the search for serious hair "blogisodes" I have gone through a few types of products thus far and I am excited to put the real results up to hopefully help some people out and just cause I can. Blogging is amazing and I love being able to do it. I have tried many many many times to make blogs that I keep u with and so far this has been the only one that has made it past a week or two. Anyways, good things are comming so be prepared for new stuff soon.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Things you learn in someone elses bathroom
When you stay with someone or maybe if you are just sort of nosey and check out the stuff in peoples bathrooms there are a few things you learn.
-What type of hair they have
-How often they get headaches
-How soft their skin is
-How often they get hurt
-How clean they keep themselves
-If they take showers or baths
-How often they brush their teeth
and -How much they sweat
Just random thought. There are alot of things you can learn about people just by scanning the rooms of their houses when you walk into them. The living room alone can usualy tell you how many people live their, if they have pets or children, if they do drugs, how much money they make, and how often they are home.
Sometimes the clues are obvious and sometimes subtle but they are always there. Just look and smell and look again.
Well I suppose thats all for this blog. I do have one special things comming up on here and that is "The search for serious hair" blog issues. Is your hair fried,dyed,frizzy,dried,and/or damaged? This set of blogs comming up will be for you. I have been trying out all sorts of shampoo/conditioner/leave-in combos and I will be writing personal expirence for these products what works and what doesnt.
-What type of hair they have
-How often they get headaches
-How soft their skin is
-How often they get hurt
-How clean they keep themselves
-If they take showers or baths
-How often they brush their teeth
and -How much they sweat
Just random thought. There are alot of things you can learn about people just by scanning the rooms of their houses when you walk into them. The living room alone can usualy tell you how many people live their, if they have pets or children, if they do drugs, how much money they make, and how often they are home.
Sometimes the clues are obvious and sometimes subtle but they are always there. Just look and smell and look again.
Well I suppose thats all for this blog. I do have one special things comming up on here and that is "The search for serious hair" blog issues. Is your hair fried,dyed,frizzy,dried,and/or damaged? This set of blogs comming up will be for you. I have been trying out all sorts of shampoo/conditioner/leave-in combos and I will be writing personal expirence for these products what works and what doesnt.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hip Hip HOLY CRAP!!
Today I went and got dermal anchors put in my hips and boy was I nervous. I watched some Youtube videos of it and it looked incredibly painful but I really wanted it done so I said fuck it and went for it. I am quite happy and must say it didnt hurt very much at all there was a little bit of a sharp pinching feeling and it felt really odd when they put the anchors in because you can feel them working them into your skin but all in all only about a 5 or 6 on a scale from 1-10 plus they look uber fucking cool.
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