Dear Mommy,

You know I have always had a way with the written word and I just feel like I'm at a point where I need to do this for you. So let me get right to it.

I know I have my ups and downs and I know I annoy you at times and I am very sorry. I am hard to handle on occassion and sadly I don't know why, sometimes I just feel very lost or angry for no reason at all. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't take it out on you but I guess I just know that no matter what I say or do you are going to love me so it makes it easy for me to be that way with/towards you. That is awful I'm aware. Now I know I have said this a thousand times but when I am in that sort of mood it is best just to not talk to me because I get over it quicker. You tell me that I am always that way but I really don't think I am. Plus when I am that way you try to force your way in and find out what is going on and that only makes it worse. I know you are just being my mom and you care and/or are worried but the harder you try the more angry or annoyed I get and the more I will pull away and be silent.

I think I have issues mom. I think I need to go to a counsler. I can't afford to do it but I have been looking for free or cheap ones online. I don't want to keep being this way and feeling like this and not atleast knowing why(besides my age). I also know that no matter what I do you support me and for that mom I love you. I just have feelings for no reason sometimes and it scares me a little bit so I am going to keep doing some research and see if I can't find something that will work for me that is not going to break all the plans money wise.

I'm sorry I don't sleep when you want me to. I know you think it is the internet and to some extent it is but the hours I'm keeping at work don't help and I think I have some insomnia. There have been nights when I have been so tired it hurts so I turn this stupid thing off and just try to sleep but I can't. I think it goes back to the resons I want to talk to a counsler. I just have alot of things I want to get out. I know I can always talk to you and when I do you always make me feel better, but sometimes I just want an objective opinion. People close to me could never do what a professional could.

Mom, you are the only constant in my life with the exception of Byson. Now wait a second. I know I have 2 other dogs but Byson is my man and he has such a big piece of my heart I'm not sure anyone will ever get a bigger piece. He has always been by my side from the first day you brought him home. Even after I was gone for a few months the second I came back for him it was like I never left. Anywho thats not the point. You have always been there for me. I have delt with some shit in my life and you were always the one to throw on some boots and tred the crap pile with me. For that I have to say thank you. NOONE has ever done for me and stuck by me through some of my shit the way you have. You truly have my back and have helped me become who I am today.

You understand me in a way I fear noone else EVER will. You see the good in my bad and the beautiful in my ugly. My flaws are not flaws to you, atleast not the flaws other people see. You don't judge me no matrter what I say to you. Yes you make your mom type comments to some of the ridiculas things I have said and done but you never hold them against me. Now I know you are thinking well thats what moms do, but not all moms are like that. I have seen many people with their moms and watched how they interact and handel life together and seprate and they are not all the way you are. You are what a mom should be.

I know you have hard times in your life and sometimes you feel bad or guilty about the way our childhood was but don't be. We all reminise(sp?) and miss the old days so you must have done something right. If it had been that awful we would be happy to deal with our struggles now rather then occasinaly wish for the days we can't have back. I don't think anways. If it were not for the things we "missed" in our childhood I don't think I would have such a love for the little things in life. I would not be so sentimental, I would not hold love of those close to me above everything else, I would not cherish the excitetment on my dogs' faces when they see me, I would not hold onto birthday cards for as long as I do, I would not be happy to just be around people I enjoy.

Now we both know good and well I'm not completely content witth life but I am happy I have life and I love the things I do have and the possibilities that await me. I am strong because of you, I am weak because of you, I have a big heart because of you, I am a bitch because of you, I am real because of you, I fake my happiness at times because of you, I am independent because of you, I need people because of you, I smile because of you, I cry because of you. Simply put I am ME because of you and damn it mom I love every minute of me!!

I am starting to be a different me because of life but you have helped create a good foundation. I may not always agree with the things you say or do and I may not seem liek I appricate eveything but deep down I really do for without you I would be nothing. Well I would at the very least be someone different and I would not switch places with anyone for even a second.

I'm sorry, Thank you, You are welcome, and I LOVE YOU!!!

And when I am being a pain and you just want to slap my mouth off my face and knock my head off my shoulders just remeber who else in this world would get you a cheese burger without pickles without having to be told. :)

DEAR WORLD,
I LOVE MY MOMMY!!

Gyro Bowl???

So as usual I'm up til all hours of the night but tonite I saw an informecial for something that was actualy kind of neat. It's called a Gyro Bowl. It is made for kids snacks but it can be used for anything you don't want to spill. Cereal, pudding, icecream. You can also use it for more household type things like tacks, nails and screws, change. Pretty much anything you have a small collection of that you dont want to spill. It is built like a globe so the center of it stays up and open but shit doesnt spill. So i really want this thing(I have no idea what I would do with it) and I want to get one for every lovely mommy/daddy I know. Any ways check out the video and see what I mean.


You can buy it here

Anywho it's really neat and I just wanted to share it with everyone :)

Just a random wonder.....maybe even real thought

Let me start by making this note*I am not the type of person who cuddles all night it just makes me a bit to crazy and I can never fall alseep if they never let go*

OK NOW!

Back...well back before life was the way it is now I had a friend who I was fairly close with. We hung out very often we talked until about pretty much everything we smoked together we drove 30 mins or more to see each other we went to parties together alot we did alot of thing for each other. Idk we were good friends. We could talk about nothing for hours. It was always fun. I never thought of him in anyway other then my friend tho. We never had sex we never kissed nothing like that hell we didnt even hug often. Just wasnt our thing I suppose. So anyways one night we were hanging out and drinking doing like we always do and we both slept together in the same bed cuddling and all.

You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night for just long enough to really kind of realize where you are and then you end up back asleep as quickly as you woke up? Well that happened to me a few times that night and to my suprise everytime it happened we were still cuddling. This gave me a sense of comfort which when kind of suprised me. I never once had the urge to push him away.

It has been a few months shy of a year since then and in all of that time I never put any thought into it. Still never saw him as any more then a friend or had any urge to make him be more then one.

In the years time that has passed tho we sort of drifted apart what with new relationships and moving and new jobs and all that yadda yadda. We still talk on occasion but not anything like we used to.

Today for some reason tho I thought back to this night. Only god knows why I'm sure and I have been thinking about it nearly all day now. With all the things that were done in our friendship and some of our conversations and confessions I guess you could call them all a part of my thoughts today I began to wonder something a bit strange. Something I have never really wondered about another person in this way. Even more so something I have never wondered about myself in this way.

Did we miss something? Rather did I give something up that I should not have? I couldn't quite put my finger on what was bugging me about it so much and then just a moment ago it hit me! Were we perfect for each other? Were we supposed to be more then friends? The cuddling all night happily was a first for me....and it still hasn't happened since. I just don't understand it...didn't then and don't now.

Him and I always did click on a level I don't think I have had with anyone else. I really could tell him anything things I didn't even tell my bestfriend. I'm pretty sure he tols me things he didn't really tell many other people wither. All the memories are now comming together in my head and I am shocked at the things I didn't see.

I have to wonder if he saw them or felt them. Sometimes when we talk now I still think he thinks about it to...idk why there is just something about the way he talks to me I can't explain it it just is the way it is I suppose.

Well anywho I had somemore I wanted to write however I really want to go and watch Pocahontas so I'm just gonna leave it at this.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Oh wait one more thing ppl let's not try and guess who this is because chances are the person you think it is aint who it actually is I know who it sounds like to most of you reading this but you are wrong.

Just bare with me as I vent for a bit

I find myself down and troubled and confused and even the happy moments seem a bit bleak or heavy for me. The object of life is to please yourself right? or maybe to please others or the universe. No matter how you see it in reality you have to do a bit of pleaseing to anyone and everyone to fulfill life greatest moments. Atleast this is what seems to be true.

I know I'm young but for some reason I seem to know alot and I HATE IT!! It makes me do alot of "thinking" I personaly like to call it wondering because alot of it never leads to anything and I feel like thinking should get you somewhere. I just seem to have alot of what ifs and how comes. I never have answers and even worse I never seem to have reasons as to why I ask such questions.

My life thus far has been fairly uneventful and that seems to drive me crazy and yet I never know how to change that. I don't have any real talent for much except cooking and I can never make a decision to save my life. I am somewhat of a disaster and that is a bit scary.

I am tired of holding on to things so long it hurts, I am scared of the fact that stupid things make me cry but real things don't even seem to make me feel. How did I get so mixed up? Why can't I apologize when I was wrong or hurtful? I wish very often that I could. I know I know only I can chage that but I can never bring my self to be the way I guess I should be or I feel like I should be.

I HIDE:
feelings
thoughts
apologies
pain
my heart
my greater ideas

WHY DAMN IT?? WHY??

I think I need a therapist!
Could I? Should I? Do I?

I am depressed alot more lately then normal. Not like so seriously that I hide myself away and I call off work and I don't speak to anyone. Just simply enough to make me feel bad inside and avoid going to hang out with people or talk to them on the phone and to lie about my feelings. The other day my bestfriend called me and was really hurting and just needed someone to talk to about her problems but my phone was breaking up so I said I would call her later or the next day.....I NEVER DID! I feel like a horrible friend and it wasn't for any reason other then I feel it's wrong to talk about your problems when someone is venting but I can't not tell her things when I don't feel right.

UGH!!
Can't wait to make my big changes!
I'm ready! SOOOO READY!

-END

The most controversial blog I will ever write

WARNING!!!!!!
This blog may be found offensive by some people
This blog is not intened to be read by people of all ages
This blog is not intened to offend anyone
All questions in this blog are asked as I want an answer I am not trying to be sarcastic or bitchy or anything of that nature I am seriously searching for feedback

NOW!

There are alot of racial stero types and slurs but the most offensive todate has to be nigger or nigga as it is more commenly said these days.

Here are my thoughts,opinions,questions and personaly known facts on the subject!

I was told tonite that I will never understand the offensiveness of the word because I'm not black then had the same black person turn around and act like they understand the offensiveness of white slurs such as cracker. How does that make anything you say on the subject worth while?

I also had said and I quote "we are discussing the offensiveness of the word nigger" and that made someone mad. Why? because I said niggER and not niggA now how that matters I am not sure as the word is spelled with an ER and not an A. Using it with an A is simply making it "slang" it does not change the definition of the word you are using. So how does it really make it anymore offensive when it's said one way then the other?
Is it because black people say so? Is it because you think the A changes the word? Is there even a real reason?

Something I have heard time and time again from black people is they have earned the right to say it to each other. HOW? What have you done to earn the right to use a nasty word? NOONE has earned ANY right to use ANY nasty word people just do it. Even if SOME black people have earned the right to use the word in my opinion it surely is not todays youth. You did not march hundreds of miles, you did not get the shit kicked out of you because of where you sat or ate or used the restroom. You all have the same rights as everyone else in this day and age. If someone denys you fo those rights because of your color you can't blame everyone else of that color for it. Not all people of ANY color are the same.

Another one I have heard alot is oh well we don't use it in a bad way. OK well There are times when people of other colors use it amoung friends and are not meaning it in a bad way so how is it different? Just because some people use it as a slur doesnt mean everyone does. Mexicans don't go around calling each other spic and say oh we dont mean it bad, white people dont go around calling each other cracker and say oh we don't mean it bad. The term nigga has become part of todays culture because of attuides like that and you can't blame anyone else but the popula blacks for using it everywhere they go.

Next...I asked if it was seen as offensive if a white person says nigger or nigga when singing the lyrics of a song and the answer was a simple yes followed by if we were all at a club together and a song with the word came on the group on black guys would watch the group of white guys to see if they say the word when it comes up. WTF??? are you serious? What does that say about you and your race? To me it says you want people to say it so that you can be angry. Now what exactly is the point of this? I was utterly confused and shocked by the kid saying that. In my mind it almost makes you a racist because you are serching for a reason to fight a white guy. Does that sound like a tolerent thing to do?
This also brought me to ask him if he is trying to say we as white people should not listen to that music...he never said yes or no but gave me the look that I knew he thought that..again I say WTF?? are you serious?? How can you believe it's okay for you to listen to "our" music but its not okay for use to listen to "yours"?

If this is something all black people believe then I'm sorry you def. have not earned the right to use any word towards anyone because you are no better then the people who use that word as a slur you just express you racial intolerence in different ways.

Now we have comes leaps and bounds since segragation and I believe it is time for everyone to look at things a little different.

White people: It is NOT okay for you to treat black people like shit because of the color of their skin nor is it okay for you to use racial sulrs in awful or hurtful ways to ANYONE!!

Black people: It is NOT okay for you to continue being angry with white people for things white people did years and years ago. It is okay for you to be angry with those who still treat you in that manner but I feel it's a bit petty to be angry with people who use this word in the same ways you do and not to be mean or hateful

All people: It is NOT okay for you to judge ANYONE by the color of their skin. It is also NOT okay for you to hate a race for something someone of the same race did a long time ago. It is also NOT ago to blame another race for ANYTHING. People of all races have been doing right and wrong since the begining of time.

Think about this for a minute:

By definition the word nigger means a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.

With that in mind are there not niggers of all races?

OK so......

As you can see I decided not to do the shampoo blogs so girls just go out and buy Dove Intensive Repair. It works great!!! I promise! Anywho onto some updates.

The 30th was my birthday and I want to say thank you to everyone who was there yall made it fantastic Mom,April,Jena,Jesse,Arthur,Suzie,Kevin,Mike,TJ etc. etc. I spent almost that entire week fucked up :)

This year I got one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask for. His name is Scout and his is a 7yo Aussie. He is one of the most amazing dogs I have ever met. He sometimes likes to think he is the boss but so far I am doing a good job of teaching him otherwise. I gave him a bath the other day and boy did he hate that. However I feel like it gave us some good together time to show him I am the boss and also that baths can be a good thing. His old mom Sandy informed me that he loves the beach so I will now start my search for beaches in Fl that allows dogs.

I had many other things to say but i got caught up in somethign else and forgot so I'm done for now