Dear Mommy,

You know I have always had a way with the written word and I just feel like I'm at a point where I need to do this for you. So let me get right to it.

I know I have my ups and downs and I know I annoy you at times and I am very sorry. I am hard to handle on occassion and sadly I don't know why, sometimes I just feel very lost or angry for no reason at all. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't take it out on you but I guess I just know that no matter what I say or do you are going to love me so it makes it easy for me to be that way with/towards you. That is awful I'm aware. Now I know I have said this a thousand times but when I am in that sort of mood it is best just to not talk to me because I get over it quicker. You tell me that I am always that way but I really don't think I am. Plus when I am that way you try to force your way in and find out what is going on and that only makes it worse. I know you are just being my mom and you care and/or are worried but the harder you try the more angry or annoyed I get and the more I will pull away and be silent.

I think I have issues mom. I think I need to go to a counsler. I can't afford to do it but I have been looking for free or cheap ones online. I don't want to keep being this way and feeling like this and not atleast knowing why(besides my age). I also know that no matter what I do you support me and for that mom I love you. I just have feelings for no reason sometimes and it scares me a little bit so I am going to keep doing some research and see if I can't find something that will work for me that is not going to break all the plans money wise.

I'm sorry I don't sleep when you want me to. I know you think it is the internet and to some extent it is but the hours I'm keeping at work don't help and I think I have some insomnia. There have been nights when I have been so tired it hurts so I turn this stupid thing off and just try to sleep but I can't. I think it goes back to the resons I want to talk to a counsler. I just have alot of things I want to get out. I know I can always talk to you and when I do you always make me feel better, but sometimes I just want an objective opinion. People close to me could never do what a professional could.

Mom, you are the only constant in my life with the exception of Byson. Now wait a second. I know I have 2 other dogs but Byson is my man and he has such a big piece of my heart I'm not sure anyone will ever get a bigger piece. He has always been by my side from the first day you brought him home. Even after I was gone for a few months the second I came back for him it was like I never left. Anywho thats not the point. You have always been there for me. I have delt with some shit in my life and you were always the one to throw on some boots and tred the crap pile with me. For that I have to say thank you. NOONE has ever done for me and stuck by me through some of my shit the way you have. You truly have my back and have helped me become who I am today.

You understand me in a way I fear noone else EVER will. You see the good in my bad and the beautiful in my ugly. My flaws are not flaws to you, atleast not the flaws other people see. You don't judge me no matrter what I say to you. Yes you make your mom type comments to some of the ridiculas things I have said and done but you never hold them against me. Now I know you are thinking well thats what moms do, but not all moms are like that. I have seen many people with their moms and watched how they interact and handel life together and seprate and they are not all the way you are. You are what a mom should be.

I know you have hard times in your life and sometimes you feel bad or guilty about the way our childhood was but don't be. We all reminise(sp?) and miss the old days so you must have done something right. If it had been that awful we would be happy to deal with our struggles now rather then occasinaly wish for the days we can't have back. I don't think anways. If it were not for the things we "missed" in our childhood I don't think I would have such a love for the little things in life. I would not be so sentimental, I would not hold love of those close to me above everything else, I would not cherish the excitetment on my dogs' faces when they see me, I would not hold onto birthday cards for as long as I do, I would not be happy to just be around people I enjoy.

Now we both know good and well I'm not completely content witth life but I am happy I have life and I love the things I do have and the possibilities that await me. I am strong because of you, I am weak because of you, I have a big heart because of you, I am a bitch because of you, I am real because of you, I fake my happiness at times because of you, I am independent because of you, I need people because of you, I smile because of you, I cry because of you. Simply put I am ME because of you and damn it mom I love every minute of me!!

I am starting to be a different me because of life but you have helped create a good foundation. I may not always agree with the things you say or do and I may not seem liek I appricate eveything but deep down I really do for without you I would be nothing. Well I would at the very least be someone different and I would not switch places with anyone for even a second.

I'm sorry, Thank you, You are welcome, and I LOVE YOU!!!

And when I am being a pain and you just want to slap my mouth off my face and knock my head off my shoulders just remeber who else in this world would get you a cheese burger without pickles without having to be told. :)

DEAR WORLD,
I LOVE MY MOMMY!!