I find myself down and troubled and confused and even the happy moments seem a bit bleak or heavy for me. The object of life is to please yourself right? or maybe to please others or the universe. No matter how you see it in reality you have to do a bit of pleaseing to anyone and everyone to fulfill life greatest moments. Atleast this is what seems to be true.
I know I'm young but for some reason I seem to know alot and I HATE IT!! It makes me do alot of "thinking" I personaly like to call it wondering because alot of it never leads to anything and I feel like thinking should get you somewhere. I just seem to have alot of what ifs and how comes. I never have answers and even worse I never seem to have reasons as to why I ask such questions.
My life thus far has been fairly uneventful and that seems to drive me crazy and yet I never know how to change that. I don't have any real talent for much except cooking and I can never make a decision to save my life. I am somewhat of a disaster and that is a bit scary.
I am tired of holding on to things so long it hurts, I am scared of the fact that stupid things make me cry but real things don't even seem to make me feel. How did I get so mixed up? Why can't I apologize when I was wrong or hurtful? I wish very often that I could. I know I know only I can chage that but I can never bring my self to be the way I guess I should be or I feel like I should be.
I HIDE:
feelings
thoughts
apologies
pain
my heart
my greater ideas
WHY DAMN IT?? WHY??
I think I need a therapist!
Could I? Should I? Do I?
I am depressed alot more lately then normal. Not like so seriously that I hide myself away and I call off work and I don't speak to anyone. Just simply enough to make me feel bad inside and avoid going to hang out with people or talk to them on the phone and to lie about my feelings. The other day my bestfriend called me and was really hurting and just needed someone to talk to about her problems but my phone was breaking up so I said I would call her later or the next day.....I NEVER DID! I feel like a horrible friend and it wasn't for any reason other then I feel it's wrong to talk about your problems when someone is venting but I can't not tell her things when I don't feel right.
UGH!!
Can't wait to make my big changes!
I'm ready! SOOOO READY!
-END
Bear with ME as I tell you some things that you've already heard before. Alot of what you're feeling right now is perfectly normal; because...and YOU said this in the blog......you are young! Chronilogically you are grown up, but you still maintain the emotions and the ideas of being very young, so naturally it's confusing. Thinking TOO much only serves to make it more confusing and usually amounts to just about what you've already figured out...nothing! Try to devise ways to turn your brain off for awhile every day, preferably before you go to sleep for that 24 hr. period, because just because you are asleep doesn't mean your brain is! Falling asleep while wracking your brain for answers to something leads to restless sleep which is no different than not ENOUGH sleep, and then the confusion is compounded even further because lack of sleep causes you not to be able to think with a clear mind...again....no answers! Your life has been relatively uneventful only because you have basically just started YOUR life with new experiences, new responsibilities and new decisions to make. Up until a certain point, our lives are pretty much controlled by parents, teachers, society in general. We are sheltered, and for a long time, that's a good thing. Now you're NOT sheltered, and it's NOT a good thing when you consider the confusion that comes along with it. But here's the good part....it gets easier. The decisions and the responsibilities don't get easier but your ABILITY to deal with them and your ability to make decisions does get easier. It's all just part of the life circle...it's just how it goes. You were right on the money about something here...you DO know alot....more than most people do at 21 yr.....at least about life, and now you are overwhelmed with it all. Pick and choose the things that you're going to allow yourself to be overwhelmed about though...everything is not that important. Don't sweat the small stuff....and believe me, you will eventually be able to figure out what stuff is small and what isn't; and I'll tell you something else too....one day you're going to wake up and realize that you quit sweating the big stuff too because you realized that most things are not really all that big! :) So basically, just filter it all and just deal with the stuff that is really important to you and let the rest go....chances are, most of it isn't worth it! "Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we choose to deal with it". That's my favorite quote. I have no clue who said it or even if that is word for word the way it was originally said, but....you get the jist! :) Hope this was of some help! I know, you didn't ask for help, but I'm a mom...I tend to step up and help anyway. :) Love you!
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