I'm sorry but I can't change it

Katie,

This is the first time we have ever hit a rough spot in our friendship. Man it took us awhile didnt it? I have never told you my feelings about much of anything because I am always afraid of hurting you. You are just really sensitive and I have never been good at sparing feelings when talking about mine.

SO listen to me right now NONE of this is ment to hurt you or make you upset tho some of it may and for that I am sorry. Just know that I love you and I always will even if one day you decide to hate me I will still love you and consider you a friend.

Ok so here it goes.

You are soooooo ugh there is not even a word for it at times. You just posess this quality that now more then ever makes me wonder how we were ever friends. I don't judge or hate you for it, it simply makes me a little crazy. I think it bugs me most now because of him.

As for that whole situation MY GOSH!!!! So many thoughts come to mind right now. Mostly I am sorry. I really wish you would have just talked to me about it when I more or less begged you to. It really hurt my feelings that you talked to someone else instead of me. YES I may have gotten mad or got my feelings hurt but you are my friend and being mad at you or having you hurt my feelings would never change that. I honestly think it would be a sort of progress for us because we have never had a struggle in our friendship. It has always been a bit to perfect. My next thought on this is WHY KATIE??? If it was such a big deal why did u ever "trade" in the first place? Why did you ever pretend you didnt care? I care more about your feelings then anything in this situation I think you know that and he does to I made that very clear to him the first time he even made a comment about liking me. I wasnt even going to hang out with him out of love and respect for you. Then you put on this major front about how it didnt matter and I can only take you on your word girl...I'm not inside that crazy head of yours how was I to know? My next thoughts are as follows. I can not change anything that has happened but I can always stop what will just remember that. I have NOT had sex with him but we have spent a decent amount of time together and we do mesh really well. He keeps a smile on my face and I feel so comfortable with him. IDK why it is what it is I suppose. I can't lie and say I dont like him because damn it Katie I do but you are more important then that. I want you to know that I will NOT stop hanging out with him but I will also NOT do anything more then hang out with him knowing what I know now. It will not be easy because I am so comfortable with him but like I said you mean soooooo much more. Next thoughts. HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!! The way that happened and what you said to him and to me(yes I know what you said to him) was kind of uncalled for and sort of childish. I understand it's hard to watch what was happening but you went about expressing it in all the wrong ways girl. It came off obsessive and contorlling and just plain rude. I hate to say it but someone had to. Next, I felt very hurt and kinda fucked in this situation because I felt like I laid it all out on the table for you and thought of your feelings before mine and I don't feel like you did the same for me. Granted it wasn't exactly the same situation with that boy but it's about principal. I think you know what I mean.

FUCK THIS!! I don't want to discuss this situation any further. Babygirl you are leaving me in a matter of weeks and I am going to miss you dearly. You have NO IDEA how much you mean to me. I would risk my life for you if I knew it would make you day better or your sun brighter. I love you with all my heart imperfections and all. Everything we have ever done together has chaged me in ways you will never know. You have brought alot of joy into my life when I needed it and wasn't aware. Check that off your list of things to do before you die. You HAVE changed my life and in many ways.
-You have showed me that being the silly me that I am is okay because the people who love you don't care
-You have taught me that putting your heart on the line for a boy may get it broken but it is worth it
-You have proven to me that it is possible to find more then one person in this world who is truly your friend and will always be there when you need them
-You have been a part of making me who I am today
Noone and nothing can do what you have done and take away what you have given me. You may be flawed and a wee bit annoying at times and you may have your crazy girl moments but hunny there is noone like you and I would never change or trade you for anything. I want you to remember that you are a wonderful person and you deserve noting but the best in life. Don't let people get you down or tell you to be somethign your not because you are amazing just the way you are. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You have such a big heart that sometimes I wonder how you fit it inside your chest. The I think to my self it's okay her boobies hold it in LOL =)
Katie you are fantastic and I can't imagine my life without you in it.

I hope you realize what I big part of my life will br gone when you go to Vages.
Don't loose touch with me please.

I Love You Katlyn Ashley Pharis.

Just a little bit of some things that never seem to matter.

Lost in my I-pod for days now. Sadly it keeps me locked in my head and I have never done well when left there alone. I don't feel depressed or anything lately I just feel...I don't know sort of like I don't feel. I wonder if I am to far into somethings to turn back. I wanna be somewhere else just for a little bit. I keep expecting grater things only to find worse ones. However this is not hurting me just simply adding to the reasons I don't feel.

I think I am not so much annoyed by the routineness of life but of the dissapointment in life. I seem to get the things I only think I want and not the things I truly want.

I feel like noone understands that the reason I do little things for them is not only to put a smile on their face but kind of like a hoping they will do them for me. I miss the days when my friends would just leave me little notes for the hell of it or someone sent me a goodmorning text just because they were awake and knew I wasn't yet. I dislike the fact that I have to beg for my friends to tell me whats wrong only for them to lie about it when they are fully aware I know the truth.

I was stunned the other day when an hour long shower made my week worth while. It made me feel a little sad when i thought about it later. Who am I right now? I am missing people I have never met and wishing people I love would just go away for a while. I am restless to say the least.

I don't even think this shit is making sense right about now as I am jumping from one thing to another but I am just typing thoughts cause I feel like blogging. I think I want a new piercing in my face but I can't decide which one and I'm broke. I would much rather have a new piece of ink but I'm def to broke for that.

I WANT TO GO!!!!!

I don't know where I want to go I just know I want to. I feel bored all the time.

Ugh fuck this I don't feel like blogging anymore.

I can't explain this.

Somedays I am dust in the wind,
and others I am the wind carrying dust.

I feel no motivation for my motives have been crushed.

I lie in waiting,
but for what I do not know.

I am sleepless in a world which sadly does not go.

I see,
and I think sometimes I feel.

The yearning for silence is often all to real.

I am not worthy of such greatness,
but it's okay as I am not great.



Contemplate!
© Amanda R. Wishard